


every part of my aching heart needs you more than the angels do

by shuaesthetic



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Worship, Boo Seungkwan-centric, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Love Confessions, M/M, Romance, Side Ships, everything i tag will happen eventually, how do I tag without spoiling too much, this gets pretty sad i think ??, verkwan are boyfriends madly in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:54:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23629585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuaesthetic/pseuds/shuaesthetic
Summary: [ "If you ever feel lonely, Seungkwan," Vernon had told him one starlit night, out on their balcony. "Just look at the moon. Because somewhere, someone is looking at it too." And Seungkwan had laughed, reaching up to peck the taller boy's cheek."I'd never feel lonely, Vernon. I have you, don't I?"(Or, AU in which Seungkwan felt like he was on the absolute top of the world, until it all came crashing down.) ]
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu
Comments: 22
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> it's already been a month since i posted my last work omgg
> 
> but anyways !! i'm back with this verkwan au full of ups and downs that i've been working on for the past month :)) because the verkwan community is starVED
> 
> this au has a sort of "today" and "then" kind of set-up where it shows all the good stuff that happened between seungkwan and vernon until it catches up to the present where vernon... yea keep reading to know what happens hhdjhdjd
> 
> this is also gonna be pretty long !! i've already got a couple of chapters planned, i really hope you guys enjoy reading thiss
> 
> [ will be updating every monday !! ]

**Today; 2 March 2019**

Seungkwan wants to believe that, in another world, in some distinct alternate universe, that Vernon is alive. That he's happy. That Vernon's lungs work and his organs function and his sweet beautiful heart beats like the gentle butterflies they used to love so much.

He wants to believe it, and he longs to be with him again, but Seungkwan is stuck and breathing in the real world, a world where Vernon's ashes will be scattered near the seashore tomorrow.

He hopes that somewhere, the other boy is listening, because Seungkwan is mad. And hurt. Because Vernon _promised_ they'll grow old together, that they'll see each other get to be all wrinkly and forgetful, and Seungkwan held on to that sliver of an assurance, clutching it close to his heart.

And it hurts more because this isn't the only promise the other boy had broken.

If asked, Seungkwan can conjure up the recollection of that evening in vivid detail before one can even blink. And that's another thing that breaks him — being the only one left to remember the memories they've shared.

He remembers that night; they were perched on the curb of some grimy sidewalk, and there was a beautiful full moon shining above their heads. He only remembers the moon because Vernon had pointed it out. He wasn't even looking at the damned moon, he was looking at Vernon, but he didn't tell the other boy that.

Maybe he should have.

And then the younger boy glanced back at him, and Seungkwan remembers the way his next words caught in his throat, tears threatening to spill because Vernon looked so breathtaking under the moonlight, his features shining and divine, and Seungkwan had thought, no, he doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve Vernon.

As if the other boy could read his thoughts, he gently cupped Seungkwan's cheeks, placing the softest of kisses on his forehead. 

"It'll be us one day, okay?" Vernon had told him. "We'll grow old and happy together, because it's either the both of us or nothing at all."

And all Seungkwan could do was nod, the three words he's yearned to confess to the other boy right on the tip of his tongue, but like a fool, he swallowed it back down.

They've made many promises together, and Seungkwan wouldn't mind if Vernon broke as much as he'd like, but that one was supposed to come true. And now Seungkwan's obliged to be the one to spread what's left of Vernon in a few hours, obliged to officially say goodbye.

But what if Seungkwan doesn't want it to be goodbye?

He doesn't want to live in a world without Vernon. He doesn't want to go to bed at night, clutching at blankets and tear-stained pillows as he tries to breathe in Vernon's disappearing scent. He doesn't want to wake up in the mornings if it's not Vernon having his weird dance sessions to boisterous music in Seungkwan's room, in Seungkwan's shirt. He doesn't want to greet the moonrise alone, without Vernon by his side and the biggest, gentlest smile on the other boy's face.

"If you ever feel lonely, Seungkwan," Vernon had told him one starlit night, out on his balcony. "Just look at the moon. Because somewhere, someone is looking at it, too." And Seungkwan had laughed, reaching up to peck the taller boy's cheek.

"I'd never feel lonely, Vernon. I have you, don't I?"

"Yeah. I guess you're right," the other boy had said, breathlessly. "But maybe… maybe there'll come a time where I won't be with you anymore. And so, if you miss me, look at the moon, okay? I promise I'll be looking at it too."

And Seungkwan, now huddled up in Vernon's favourite sweater as he chokes back another sob, desperately wants to believe that Vernon kept this promise, and that Seungkwan isn't the only one gazing at the moon tonight.

**Then; 16 July 2018**

Seungkwan can feel a smile breaking out on his face before he even has time to stop it.

Which is stupid of him, because he literally just met up with Vernon a minute ago. The two of them were plopped down on the seashore, the exact same place where they first met way back in middle school, the ocean's waves lapping excitedly around their legs.

"Okay, hear me out," Vernon says, taking off his red-tinted sunglasses and shoving it in his bag. Seungkwan always loved those glasses; he's confident no one but Vernon looks good in something so unflattering.

" _So_ ," the other boy continues, a thrilled smile tugging at the corners of his lips that drives Seungkwan's steady heartbeat into something completely erratic. "Don't freak, but I may or may not have gotten us two tickets to that one amusement park we've been dying to go to for ages now."

Seungkwan, unsurprisingly, does freak. "Oh my God," he mumbles, and Vernon laughs at the stunned expression on his face. "Wait, are we going today? Like, right now?"

Vernon shrugs. "I mean, if you want to."

Seungkwan gapes at him, before hurling sand at the younger boy. His aim is utterly off though, so the handful of sand lands harmlessly a few feet away from Vernon, earning the boy to double over in another bout of laughter.

"Of course I want to, you idiot!" Seungkwan yells, hoping to sound at least the tiniest bit menacing, but now he's trying his hardest to suppress his giggles because goddamn, Vernon's laughter is way too contagious. It's not good for him.

"Jesus, okay," the other boy laughs out, brushing a hand through his unkempt hair as he flashes Seungkwan a playful grin. "Race you to the pier?"

"Oh, it's on."

Vernon immediately bolts, Seungkwan hot on his heels. In a matter of minutes, he's out of breath, and only because he hasn't had any form of physical activity since the first semester of freshman year ended a week ago. Definitely not because, when Seungkwan finally managed to catch up with Vernon, the other boy linked their hands together, intersecting their fingers in a way that made Seungkwan's heart go completely shambolic.

"Hell," Vernon pants out, once they've finally made it out back into the crowded streets. "I'm now reminded why I hate running so much."

Seungkwan, red in the face (because of the scorching midsummer heat, not because of the younger boy beside him, he reminds himself), huffs out a breathy laugh.

"Here's an idea," he says, with Vernon leaning on a nearby streetlight for support. "Let's never do that again."

"Deal."

Seungkwan bites back a smile. God, he's sure the both of them look undeniably stupid like this, what with sand on each other's clothes, their cheeks a matching hue of scarlet. Not to mention, Vernon was currently wearing his trademark tie-dyed rainbow shirt over red pants and a complimentary beanie to go with it, not giving a single damn over the judgemental stares passerbys threw at him, and Seungkwan absolutely loves him for it.

"Find us a taxi, Vern," he says once the air comes back to his lungs. "I'll pay."

Vernon nods, and soon enough, the two of them are speeding past the other hundreds of cars here in Seoul, chatting excitedly in the backseat. Half an hour later, with the midday sun blazing high above their heads, they finally arrive at their destination.

Once they make it inside, Seungkwan glances at Vernon, an awed expression plastered on the other boy's face.

"Shit," he whispers fervently, and Seungkwan couldn't help but agree. "This place is so much bigger than in the pictures."

"Tell me about it," Seungkwan admits, and then, sucking in a deep inhale, he grabs on to Vernon's hand, connecting them.

Thank goodness, Vernon didn't seem to mind, even though Seungkwan's sure his palms are all sweaty and gross. Instead, a pink flush blossoms on the younger boy's cheeks as he looks at their interlocked hands, and Seungkwan flashes him his most confident smile.

Nevermind the fact that his face is redder than Vernon's pants.

"Ready to try on every ride and puke our guts out later?"

Vernon snorts, and Seungkwan wants to stay in this moment with his best friend forever.

"That was… truly something."

Four hours, dozens of rollercoasters tried, three buckets of cotton candy wolfed down, and five bathroom stops of vomiting later, he and Vernon have boarded the 5 PM train, and Seungkwan thinks he's about to burst with happiness. Tired, sure, but happy.

He stares at the other boy seated beside him, their elbows and legs constantly brushing against each other on the busy train, Vernon's skin beautifully glowing under the setting sun.

"Yeah," Seungkwan agrees contentedly. They stay like that in comfortable silence for a few more heartbeats, their knees bumping whenever the train hits a curve, until Vernon turns to look at him. Well, as much as he could turn without falling off the seat.

"I have to tell you something."

Seungkwan quirks up a sole brow. "Yeah?" he asks, and Vernon silently nods. Seungkwan hums in thought, before saying, "Wait. Actually, I have something to tell you too."

Eyebrows shooting up in surprise, Vernon stares at him for a long second, before the tiniest of smiles play on his lips. "Okay. How about we shout out what we want to say on the count of three?"

"I don't think I can shout something like this on a train packed with people, Vernon."

"Lions don't care what sheep think," the younger boy insists, and Seungkwan fondly rolls his eyes because Vernon's been reminding him of this phrase ever since he read it on a Tumblr post. Typical.

"Fine. But promise you'll shout whatever you wanna say too, okay? Unless it's something bad. If that's the case, then I'm leaving this country."

"Roger that," Vernon salutes with a cheeky grin, and Seungkwan has to stifle a laugh.

"Three, two, one."

"I like you!" Seungkwan yells out, eyes shut, cheeks bursting aflame, the same time Vernon blurts out in a similar volume," Can we be boyfriends?"

Oh sweet mercy, this isn't happening.

Seungkwan slowly opens his eyes, avoiding the piercing, questioning gazes of everyone else in their cart, but that means he'd have to look at Vernon. Not that he's upset about it.

Vernon is the first to say something, ears pink and eyes wide. "You… like me?"

Seungkwan nods, breath catching in his throat. "Like, a lot, Vernon. And you want us to date?"

Vernon hesitates, and Seungkwan fights back the increasing, irresistible urge to kiss him right then and there because one, there's a very high chance of homophobic people being in the same area as them, and two, that's not very romantic.

"Okay. Okay, let's get some things straight-"

"We're not," Seungkwan interrupts with a grin, and he revels in the way Vernon's nose scrunches up in the cutest way possible when the younger boy lets out a loud burst of laughter.

"Oh my Jesus, Seungkwan, literally not _now,_ " Vernon gasps out, smothering another impending chortle. "So, like I was saying, are we like, official now?"

"I want us to be," Seungkwan says, and Vernon gazes at him, so much so that he starts to feel a peony-pink flush flower on his cheeks.

Gently reaching out for Seungkwan's hands, Vernon leans in closer, until Seungkwan can feel the other boy's breath hot on his cheek.

"You know, I really want to kiss you right now, Seungkwan."

"Me too."

"But I also want our first kiss to be something special."

"Me too," Seungkwan mumbles, and now their foreheads are touching and he's sure people are staring at them, but he doesn't care because _oh my God_ , Vernon, who Seungkwan's been crushing on ever since he first saw the boy fall face-first into the sand all those years ago, actually likes him back? And he wants to date Seungkwan's miserable self? Sounds fake.

"Hey," Vernon says softly, shaking Seungkwan away from his daze. "Stay with me, okay?"

"I have literally no plans on walking out of a moving train."

"I didn't mean it like that," Vernon complains, and Seungkwan merely offers him a coy smile, before motioning for the other to continue. "Alright, so, I haven't told you this before, but remember when my family died? And-"

"Woah, Vern, wait," Seungkwan cuts in, frantically waving his hands around. "You don't have to talk about this."

"But I want to," Vernon says, a bit stubbornly, just when the train stops and passengers come and go, and Seungkwan's thankful for the additional breathing space for a second before the doors close and he diverts his full attention back to the other boy.

"Seungkwan, you need to know how much you've helped me. For so long, I hated myself for not being with them that day. I thought, what's the point? I should have been with them, instead of being the only one alive. But then you came along, and… God, this sounds so cliché, doesn't it?" Vernon asks, frustrated, and Seungkwan agitatedly shakes his head.

"Fuck, no, it's okay, Vernon. Don't push it, we can talk about this some other time."

The other boy sighs, unconsciously rubbing at his earlobe, the way Seungkwan notices Vernon does when he's anxious. "Sorry for bringing the mood down," he says.

"But, when I met you, I felt something that wasn't just misery. It's hard to explain really, but you need to know how much you've been there for me when no one else was, Kwan. I wasn't even there for myself. And you're _still_ here for me, and I can't thank you enough."

Vernon smiles at him, and Seungkwan tries to think of something to say, but he's too focused on forcing himself not to cry. "Christ, you're so beautiful, Seungkwan, and I'd like to think that I was made for loving you."

Seungkwan blinks, feeling his heartbeat climb. "Vernon," he whines, wiping at his tears. "I hate you, oh my God, how dare you make me cry in public."

Despite his blurred vision, he catches the other boy staring at him, mouth agape, and Seungkwan lets out a shaky laugh.

"I just… bared my soul to you. And you're saying you hate me?" Vernon questions incredulously, and Seungkwan quickly scans the area to make sure no one is paying too much attention to the both of them. Once he's certain, he grins at the other boy, before leaning in to place a chaste kiss on the corner of Vernon's lips.

"You, dumbass. I'm in _love_ with you. Completely whipped. If you asked me to jump off this train right now, I'll do it without hesitation."

"Oh, no. If you jumped off this train, I'm jumping with you," Vernon says with a sheepish smile, and Seungkwan snorts.

In truth, he knows he should tell Vernon some things too, like how Seungkwan has never felt more loved until Vernon barrelled into his life. He should tell Vernon how heavenly he looks when his head is in the clouds, shoulders hunched and eyebrows furrowed; Seungkwan wants to know what thoughts run through Vernon's complicated mind. He should tell Vernon how fond he's grown over the way the other boy stores all kinds of chocolates in Seungkwan's room in that adorable way of his for all the sleepovers they have, knowing full well they'll both be having sore throats the next day.

He wants to tell Vernon how he's often thought of not having to use separate blankets the next time the other boy sleeps over in Seungkwan's bed, and maybe now Seungkwan can stop restraining himself from snuggling close to Vernon's warmth.

(Not like it mattered anyways. They'd always wake up the next morning, arms and legs entangled in some sort of complex lattice.)

But he doesn't say all this, because part of him still thinks this is all too incredible, surreal. It still feels like a dream. So he'll say it next time, when it starts to feel real and palpable and Seungkwan can declare with absolute certainty that Vernon does love him. And oh, how Seungkwan loves Vernon back with each and every bone in his body.

He feels another smile tugging at his lips, and this time, he lets it show.

  
  


**Today; 3 March 2019**

Seungkwan's alarm clock finally pipes down after ten minutes, but Jeonghan and Joshua's threats to barge into his room just keep coming.

"Five more minutes!" Seungkwan shouts, burrowing his face in his pillow in a hopeless attempt to disappear from... well, everything.

"You've said that already," Joshua puts in from outside his door, gentle as ever, and Seungkwan wonders why they'd even bother with someone as pathetic as him.

"Six times," Jeonghan adds. "Please, Seungkwan."

Seungkwan inhales in a shaky breath. "I'll be ready in five minutes. I swear."

It's quiet for a moment, until Joshua speaks up again. "We'll be waiting, okay?"

He doesn't reply. Instead, Seungkwan hauls his aching body and tired heart out of bed, pausing for a second to look at the suit Seungcheol helped pick out for him.

Seungkwan remembers the last and only time he wore a suit before. Before he can stop himself, the memory comes back in jagged fragments, and suddenly he's back in his high school prom, Vernon dancing with him under the makeshift disco ball.

He remembers the way they stepped on each other's toes way too much, and Seungkwan was reduced to a giggling mess when Vernon accidentally spilled fruit punch all over their pants. He remembers the flush on Vernon's cheeks when the other boy was crowned prom king, and how, instead of dancing with the prom queen, Vernon came up to him instead in front of the entire student body, a goofy smile planted on his gorgeous face when he took Seungkwan's hand.

He remembers how Vernon had gotten into a fight later that night, because a group of homophobic bastards had cornered the two of them in the back of the school. Seungkwan was backed into a wall, not saying anything, but Vernon, as stupid as ever, had provoked them even more. Teachers soon came rushing in when they found them, driving the boys away, before tending to Vernon and Seungkwan's injuries. It was all very minor, and Seungkwan recalls how Vernon, lovely and optimistic, had laughed aside the entire thing.

"Who knew I could throw in a punch like that?" Vernon had said, laughing as Seungkwan smacked him for being an idiot.

A knock on the door stirs him from his reverie. "Seungkwan?" he hears Joshua call out.

"I'm done, hyung!" Seungkwan calls out, voice hoarse. Probably from sobbing the entire night. He looks in the mirror once more, at his bloodshot eyes and uncombed hair and placid skin, and he casts his eyes skyward as he wills himself not to cry.

Not here, not now.

Vernon had always hated whenever Seungkwan cried.

He walks out into the living room, the walls lined with photographs of him and Vernon and other friends too, plastered with the history they've shared for so many years.

He notices Jeonghan and Joshua by the front door, wearing matching suits, with dark eyebags hanging under both their eyes, and Seungkwan, belatedly, realizes that he isn't the only one in pain.

Vernon always had been a big part of everyone's lives, radiating happiness and confidence wherever he went. Sometimes, he shone a little too bright, and Seungkwan had to avert his gaze for fear of being burned.

"Vernon wouldn't have wanted us to wear these dreary black suits," he mutters, once he's close enough for the other two boys to hear.

"We know," Joshua says softly, a comforting hand on Seungkwan's shoulder.

"He'd have wanted us to wear something like, the most colorful, flamboyant piece of clothing we owned. Bonus points if it looked absolutely horrid."

"We know," Joshua says again, and Seungkwan hears the tremor in his voice.

"Are you ready, Seungkwan?" Jeonghan asks, opening the door and handing Seungkwan a wrapped sandwich.

"Yeah," he lies. He's tired, and hungry, and miserable, but there's certain times for certain things. So he'll attend the service today. He'll spread Vernon's ashes in the afternoon. Seungkwan doesn't know what happens after that.

The ride there is silent, and Seungkwan imagines Vernon beside him, the other boy's hands on top of his own.

He's not sure if that makes him feel better.

  
  


**Then; 19 July 2018**

It's become routine for Seungkwan and Vernon to hang out with the other friends they've met since their first semester of freshman year in college at least twice a week.

Today is one of those days.

There's Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and Joshua in their junior year, with Jeonghan and Joshua having been friends and in love for almost all their lives until one of them (Seungkwan isn't sure who, but he bets it's Joshua) finally manned up and confessed to the other, and they've been dating ever since. Seungkwan knew Jeonghan and Joshua first, because they once took over his painting class when his teacher was home sick, and it's been a complete and utter disaster. Seungkwan then introduced himself, because the two older boys made quite the memorable first impression, which led to them introducing him to Seungcheol, who's in the basketball team, and Seungkwan inevitably introducing them to Vernon.

Vernon and Joshua had instantly hit it off, and Seungkwan couldn't help but feel jealous in the start. Vernon noticed this though, and one day he had said, "We have many friends, Kwan, but I'll always choose you, okay?" And gone was Seungkwan's jealousy.

Then there's Junhui and Minghao, Soonyoung and Jihoon, Wonwoo and Mingyu, and Seokmin, in their sophomore year. Vernon met Junhui, his boyfriend Minghao, and Soonyoung when the younger boy joined their dance team. They then knew Jihoon from Soonyoung, who's an _amazing_ music composer, with his don't-fuck-with-me demeanour and beautiful fairytale-like lyrics. The shorter boy had asked Seungkwan to sing for one of the ballads he wrote up more than once, and that's how he met Seokmin, a cheerful guy with a voice Seungkwan could listen to for days on end whenever he sings. 

Eventually, they met Wonwoo and Mingyu, who've been friends with Junhui and Minghao, both transfers from China, since high school. He wasn't sure what their relationship was at first; there was always a tenseness between them so strong, Seungkwan could nearly touch it. Turns out they were just stupid and bad at feelings, and after years of bickering and unrivaled sexual tension — as Minghao put it — Wonwoo and Mingyu finally got together.

Lastly, there's Chan, a guy in Seungkwan's and Vernon's year. Not only is Chan in a lot of their classes, but he's also in the same dance team as Vernon, so him becoming a part of their circle of friends was bound to happen.

Today in particular, they've all opted to go camping. It was Mingyu's idea, really, but Seungkwan isn't complaining. They had split up into groups of three, with Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and Minghao being the ones to drive.

So here Seungkwan is now, with Vernon and Joshua in Jeonghan's car, their random conversations and playful banter filling the silence. 

"Okay, we need to move on," Joshua says, still snorting from their previous debate on the topic of whether or not living with three eyes is better than living with three hands. Jeonghan and Vernon had argued that three hands were better, while Seungkwan and Joshua chose the latter.

Their argument (which was, in all honesty, really dumb and illogical, but Seungkwan was having way too much fun to point it out) came to a halt when Jeonghan had protested, "Look, imagine this. You're tired after a long day, and you're already comfortably tucked into bed. But then, you noticed you've forgotten to switch off the lights, so what do you do? You attach your third arm to your foot, and _bam_ , now you can reach the light switch."

From the passenger seat, Joshua soon countered with, "But with three eyes, you can easily observe everything around you. Which can be very convenient when you have to take notes but your professor keeps switching slides, so you can save time by not having to constantly look up."

"Don't you think people will find it terrifying to see someone with three eyes?" Vernon mused, more to himself, which only caused Seungkwan to snort.

"And don't _you_ think people will find it terrifying to see someone with an arm protruding out of their foot?" he refuted indignantly, and Jeonghan had nearly _collapsed_ into laughter, which would have been disastrous and have gotten them into a really bad accident if Joshua hadn't sensibly taken the wheel.

"Alright, one last topic," Vernon pleads once their snickers have died down, and Joshua sighs, before gesturing for the younger boy to continue. "How about this: having the body of a 60 year old, or having the body of a 10 year old? For the rest of your life, I should add."

"How do you come up with such questionable discussions?" Seungkwan wonders aloud, before voting for the former, with Joshua once again agreeing with him, while Vernon and Jeonghan went against it.

"Okay, I'll start," Jeonghan intercedes. "If you think about it, living in the body of a 10 year old would be much more fitting, because think of the endless stamina you'll have. You could be running around all day and still not be exhausted."

"And," Vernon butts in, a smile creeping up on his face that makes Seungkwan's stomach go all tingly. "As a 10 year old, your addition and subtraction skills will be _insane_."

Seungkwan uncontrollably wheezes at this, vaguely aware of the fact that he sounds like his lungs are failing. "Oh my God, this is so dumb," he breathes out. "Okay, wait I got a good point. So we all like watching all sorts of movies and dramas right?" Once he receives several nods from the others, he continues. "But then, if we're 10 forever, we wouldn't be able to watch movies like Parasite or the Joker, because of the age restrictions and stuff. Won't that be frustrating?"

"Exactly!" Joshua exclaims, a little too excitedly, and Seungkwan notices the way Jeonghan stares at the other boy for a split second before averting his attention back to the road, with so much affection in his eyes Seungkwan has to look away. "And if you're 10 forever, you can't get a job, and all your parents and friends will grow up, and you'll have to keep depending on a grown-up for the rest of your life."

With a playful grin, Vernon says, "I'd like to counter that. Nowadays, even people as young as 10 could open a YouTube channel, or someone as talented as Jihoon hyung could receive attention and fame for being like, the most genius composer alive. You could make good use of your talents and stuff, so earning money wouldn't be a problem."

"Or you could just pick up coins from the ground," Jeonghan says, earning an amused laugh from Joshua. The older boy then leans over to kiss Jeonghan on the cheek, whispering something in his ear, and Seungkwan redirects his gaze at the intimacy between the pair, only to meet Vernon's eyes.

A smile tweaks at the corner of the younger boy's lips, and Vernon reaches over to subtly hold Seungkwan's hands. 

"We should probably tell them about us," Vernon says, chewing at his lip as his voice barely reaches above a whisper, but Seungkwan hears it anyways. 

"Later," he mouths, and Vernon nods.

"Um," Joshua interrupts from the front, eyeing the both of them and their connected hands knowingly with a barely contained smile, and Seungkwan snaps his eyes back to the older boy, sensing Vernon doing the same. "Seungcheol just texted me. He said we'll be arriving on the camping ground in around five."

"Oh," Vernon says, noticeably gulping. "Okay. Thanks."

Joshua pauses, before winking at them, and Seungkwan feels his face go red. So much for telling everyone about him and Vernon later.

At least the younger boy didn't release his hold on Seungkwan's hand, and the thought of it made Seungkwan feel stupidly giddy.

 _God_ , he thinks as Jeonghan continues to drive on. His heart isn't strong enough for this shit.

Later that night, once the tents are all prepped and the thirteen of them, all exhausted and drained but extremely content, are seated around the campfire, Seungkwan clears his throat to get everyone's attention.

"I have an important announcement to make," he declares loudly as he stands, because he always did have a flair for theatrics. 

Ironically, once everyone turns their eyes expectantly towards him, he feels beads of sweat start to trail down his face despite the cool breeze. He sits back on his chair. "Um, actually… Vernon, why don't you say it?"

The younger boy stares at him for a second, before scrunching up his face in mock exasperation. "Oh God," he mumbles, before looking up to meet everyone else's anticipating gazes. "So, uh, me and Seungkwan have-"

"If you're gonna say you guys are dating, then I hate to break it to you, but we already know," Jihoon intervenes with a grin, and Seungkwan quietly thanks the darkness for masking his growing blush.

"You- What?" he hears Vernon splutter adorably, and a giggle escapes Seungkwan's lips before he has time to stop it.

"I mean," Minghao says, raising his hand for attention. "I think we can all agree that, in the past year we've known you two, not a single day would pass where Vernon wouldn't stare at Seungkwan like he's the last slice of pizza or something."

"I do stare at him like that, don't I?" Vernon says, brows furrowed in thought and at this point Seungkwan might just die with how his face feels like it's burning up.

"Seriously, though," Junhui adds with a smile. "I'm happy for you guys. After watching Wonwoo and Mingyu crush over each other for a century now, I thought I was used to oblivious boys being bad at understanding their feelings. But then I met you guys last year and… Jesus, I felt so frustrated seeing the both of you look at each other like you're the only ones in the room."

Seungkwan, once again, deeply flushes at this, but before he could protest, Joshua breaks in. "Tell me about it. You guys literally revolve around each other. But, all things aside," he says with a sparkle in his eye. "Congrats to the fourth official couple in our tiny group of friends."

The older boy pointedly looks at Soonyoung and Jihoon after saying this, a matching scarlet blush on both their cheeks once they realize what Joshua's getting at, since basically everyone present except those idiots know how much they're in love with the other. Seungkwan smiles, sighing in relief.

"Thanks, hyungs," he says, feeling tears prick at his eyes as he sniffles.

"Oh no, don't cry, Seungkwan," Vernon pouts, nearly choking him in a hug. Seungkwan knows it's dumb to cry, especially with everyone being so supportive and loving, but _still._

Seungcheol sighs fondly, watching the whole debacle unravel, before clearing his throat.

"Okay, I hate to interrupt this beautiful moment, but it's nearing 1 am, and we all need some shut-eye. So, um..."

The older boy drifts off for a second, huffing in a breath. "This is how it's gonna work. Because apparently, I'm the only responsible one here."

Seungcheol continues, saying, "We have four tents, and there's literally no way in hell I'm leaving any of you hormonal people alone in there by yourselves. So I'll be with Mingyu and Wonwoo, Seokmin will be with Junhui and Minghao, Chan will be with Soonyoung and Jihoon, and Jeonghan and Joshua will be with Seungkwan and Vernon."

"Wait," the older boy pauses, turning to look at him and Vernon. "Are you guys still minors? You're still eighteen, right?"

"We turned nineteen this year, hyung," Vernon puts in gently, and Seungkwan hides a smile at the way Seungcheol's eyes widen comically.

"Oh, Christ. Alright, but I'm trusting you guys, and all of you for that matter, to not do the do, okay?"

Even in the tenebrosity, Seungkwan catches the way Wonwoo rolls his eyes. "Please never say 'do the do' ever again," he says, earning a slight laugh from Mingyu seated beside him.

Soon enough, they all go into their respective tents, tired eyes and happy smiles, waving each other goodnight. 

Seungkwan sees Jeonghan and Joshua taking off their shoes and going inside their shared tent, and sharing a single glance with Vernon, they both approach the older boys with the same thought running through their heads.

"Shua hyung, Jeonghan hyung," Seungkwan whisper-shouts in the silence, with the pair ceasing their hushed conversation as they turn to look at him and Vernon.

"Can me and Seungkwan stay out for a little longer?" Vernon continues quietly, gazing at them with beseeching eyes. "Please don't tell Seungcheol hyung. We promise we'll be back soon."

The older boys exchange knowing looks for a moment, until Jeonghan nods. "Please be careful though, the both of you," he says.

"And don't go too far," Joshua adds dotingly, and Seungkwan purposely ignores their muffled grunts and weak sounds of protests when he throws his arms around them.

"Thank you. We won't take long."

Motioning for them to go, Joshua bids them goodnight, and Seungkwan interlocks his fingers around Vernon's, a smile on his face so big it feels like his cheeks might burst.

"Lead the way, my love."

A visibly alarming crimson hue spreads on Vernon's cheeks once the words leave Seungkwan's mouth, and Seungkwan mentally congratulates himself for not being the blushing panicky mess this time. 

(He _is_ a blushing panicky mess, but Vernon doesn't need to know that.)

They stray a few yards away from their camp, until Vernon finds a boulder big enough for the both of them to perch on. Their hands remain connected, and they stay quiet for a while, overlooking the sparkling river hopping happily over the time-worn rocks under the moonlight.

"Hey," Vernon whispers, poking him lightly. "What's on your mind?"

"Honestly? You."

And Seungkwan absolutely delights in the way Vernon's mouth falls open, face distinctly heating up to the shade of a stoplight. The younger boy then buries his head on Seungkwan's shoulder, and Seungkwan has to try his hardest to pay no heed to Vernon's breathing, warm against his neck.

"Christ, Kwan, don't do this to me," he mumbles. Seungkwan feels his breath hitch in his throat.

Gently cupping the younger's face so that their eyes meet, Seungkwan stares at Vernon for a while, so soft and beatific as he bathes under the luminescence of the moon's gentle beams.

"Is it dumb if I keep having this unstoppable urge to kiss you until our lips are red and swollen?" Seungkwan mutters softly, a dark blush blooming on his face at the sound of his own words.

"That makes two of us then."

A pause. Then, gathering up the rest of his courage, Seungkwan asks, "Can I?"

He doesn't miss the way Vernon bites at his lower lip, nodding, and then they're both leaning forward, so close that their foreheads clumsily bump into each other, until their lips touch and Seungkwan's heart is throbbing and his head is spinning, both terribly out of control.

It's nervous, as first kisses often are, and for a brief moment Seungkwan worries he isn't even a good kisser to begin with when Vernon presses against him, gentle hands entangled in Seungkwan's hair, and every thought that isn't about the other boy in front of him simply vanishes from his malfunctioning mind.

Too soon, they pull away at the same time, catching their breaths, and Vernon looks absolutely stunning like this, cheeks flushed and lips parted and clothes dishevelled from Seungkwan's wandering hands. 

Before Seungkwan can think of anything else, Vernon's lips are on his again, so warm and dulcet and it's _so_ much better than everything Seungkwan's ever dreamed of. Soon their hands are rambling over the map of each other's bodies, until Seungkwan's hands softly tug at Vernon's brown locks, and Vernon's rest on the small of Seungkwan's back.

The kiss leaves him completely breathless, but that doesn't change the fact that every part of him is begging for more because Vernon is here and kissing _him_ , and Seungkwan can just _feel_ the palpable heat radiating off the other boy's body, so familiar he could drown in it.

And Vernon is gathering all of him, gathering his face and his hair and holding Seungkwan's body close, and his delicate mulberry scent that Seungkwan adores so much is wafting through his brain, intoxicating his entire body.

Vernon parts from him, panting, and Seungkwan reaches up to trace the softness of the other boy's lips. Lips that had kissed his own. Vernon offers him the tenderest of smiles, and Seungkwan feels his heart pick up once again.

"That was- Wow," the younger boy whispers ardently, running a hand through his hair that messes it up even more. "I can't even- Oh my God. This might just take the cake for the best day of my life."

Seungkwan laughs, disrupting the quietness all around them, but he's too ecstatic to even care. "I know. That felt amazing. It _still_ feels amazing."

Vernon leans forward, until his head bumps on Seungkwan's chest. "You really are beautiful, Kwan, you know that?"

He feels his heart seize up and tears start to well up again, and Seungkwan doesn't trust himself to speak, in fear of ruining this moment. But he does anyway. Vernon deserves that much.

"I'm not all too sure about that," he says softly, planting a gentle kiss on the other boy's hair. "But I _do_ know that all the stars that speckle and glitter in the sky above comes nowhere close in comparison to your beautiful self."

Vernon laughs at this, and Seungkwan silently prays to whatever deity in the heavens that things will be perfect like this for a long, long time.

The next morning, Jeonghan and Joshua wake up to find Seungkwan cuddled up in Vernon's sleeping bag, a leg draped around the other boy's body and, contrary to popular belief, Seungkwan insists he doesn't know how he got in there.

(Yeah, right.)

  
  


**Today; 3 March 2019**

Seungkwan doesn't want to go inside.

The funeral chapel is smeared with beige and white and gray, and Seungkwan can't believe Vernon's shitty excuse for a legal guardian, Vernon's sole aunt who only appeared when she got the message that her nephew was dead, chose such a dreary and bleak place for someone who lived their life as vibrantly as Vernon did.

And, as Seungkwan scans the area, it dawns on him how Vernon's aunt isn't even here, and it makes his blood boil.

The sound of Jeonghan pulling his key out of the ignition jolts him. Seungkwan catches Joshua staring straight ahead, where mourners with their morning cups of coffee — all of them people from college, all of them people Seungkwan recognizes — enter the chapel, just as the clock strikes 10.

Seeing all these couples and friends holding hands when Seungkwan has to imagine Vernon holding his is really starting to piss him off.

He gets out of the car, with Jeonghan and Joshua soon following. The frigid autumn air bites at his skin, leaving him numb. It isn't even raining, but Seungkwan still feels the wetness on his cheeks.

Vernon's inside, waiting.

And Seungkwan owes him a goodbye, at least.

But his hand stays frozen at the doorknob, and he can feel the two older boys wanting to reach out to him. From the corner of his eye, Seungkwan sees more faintly familiar faces coming towards them, and they probably don't know why it's so hard for Seungkwan to open the goddamn door, because they can't possibly know about all the things he and Vernon has been through.

He goes inside, Jeonghan and Joshua shadowing him, and Seungkwan tells himself to breathe as he approaches the framed picture of Vernon hanging by the entrance.

He chose that one actually, along with the rest of his friends, but looking at it now only causes even more tears to spill past his damp cheeks. 

The picture is from Seungkwan and Vernon's very first date in Yeouido Park, near the Han River, after they officially became a couple, and Seungkwan reminisces over how nervous and excited and giddy the both of them were.

They went biking, and had a picnic, eating ramen and buckets of ice cream under the stars, and the picture was a candid one Seungkwan took on his crappy phone. Chords of soft sunlight speared down from the sky above, soaking Vernon's skin in beautiful specks of gold. Vernon wasn't even looking at the camera, he was looking past it with the happiest smile on his face, at Seungkwan, but that photo was the closest one that radiated the joy and brilliance and beauty Vernon had always exhibited. 

"Now _that's_ a high-quality picture. Taken by a high-quality person on a low-quality phone," Vernon had said with that endearing grin on his face that Seungkwan loves so much, once he had shown the younger boy the photo.

Seungkwan's fingers unconsciously trail down to the bronzed card below the frame, tracing each letter.

He surveys the crowd, realizing that Jeonghan and Joshua have left his side, and are now across the room with Soonyoung and Jihoon. Seungkwan wonders how many of these people have laughed since Vernon died. Maybe they’ve smiled at something stupid, like photos hoarded in their phones, or episodes of some cheesy comedy they watched with their friends. He can't remember the last time he bursted out laughing like that.

He wonders when it’ll be possible to laugh again. And when it’ll be okay.

"Hyung?"

Chan's voice. Seungkwan turns around to meet the younger boy, only to feel a sharp sting nip at his heart. Chan looks _awful_ , and Seungkwan would know. The other boy's usually styled brown hair is now terribly tousled, less like I-just-rolled-out-of-bed and more like he got hit by a hurricane. Chan's eyes are red and puffy, his lips quivering, and before he could say another word, Seungkwan reaches out to envelop the other boy in his arms.

"Hyung," he croaks out again, voice faltering, and Seungkwan can feel Chan's tears soak into his blazer. He doesn't care though, and Seungkwan allows himself to wordlessly weep into Chan's shoulder. 

"I wasn't there, hyung," Chan continues, sucking in a shuddering breath. "I wasn't there, and I should have been, but I-"

"Chan," Seungkwan interrupts softly, throat dry. "You were all the way on campus when it happened. Please don't beat yourself up, okay?"

The younger boy whimpers, and Seungkwan feels the sound pierce through him. "I just miss him."

Rubbing at his back, Seungkwan might have replied, but just then he senses someone approaching the both of them. He turns to meet Wonwoo, looking as terrible as Seungkwan felt. 

He doesn't say anything, but Seungkwan knows. He knows it's time, yet all he wants to do is run back home, as if he could possibly make his body as tired as his heart.

Sucking in a trembling breath, Seungkwan fights back a scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave kudos + comments if you enjoyed 💗💗


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, i hope you guys enjoy this !! 
> 
> btw the title of this fic is from 'joanne' by lady gaga :))

**Then; 22 July 2018**

Today is Seungkwan's very first date with Vernon, and he's never been more nervous.

When he had to sing solo for their college's showcase for the very first time? When he moved from Jeju to Seoul all by himself, without a single grain of experience on what the city life is like? When he came out to his family as gay? Sure, there were lots of times where Seungkwan felt anxious and tense and overall a complete jittery mess, but going on a date with Vernon is right on top at number one.

Which is why he's awake now, at 5 in the morning, freaking out with every piece of clothing strewn all across his floor because he has nothing nice to wear.

The miniscule, logical voice in his head is telling him Vernon won't care what he wears; he's seen Seungkwan in every possible outfit anyways. But the bigger, dumber voice dominates, saying that he _has_ to wear something nice. It's their first date out as boyfriends, after all.

 _Boyfriends_. God, the word still makes Seungkwan all fluttery inside.

For a short moment, he wonders if it's worth risking his head to call Joshua or Jeonghan, anyone really, to help him with his dilemma. He's still wondering this when his phone starts vibrating.

Vernon.

"Can't sleep either?" Is the first thing the other says when Seungkwan picks up the call, and he's unable to keep the smile from his face. Which is just plain stupid of him really.

"Yeah," he replies softly, and then, picking up every ounce of his remaining nonexistent courage, asks, "Hey, Vern, will you be mad if I don't wear something really nice on our first date?"

On the other end of the line, he hears Vernon chuckle. "Seungkwan, I doubt you'd look ugly in anything you wear. You can wear a literal trash bag and I'd think you're the brightest star in this universe."

Seungkwan's eyes grow wide at the words. "Jesus," he murmurs. "It's too early in the day to be blushing this much."

Vernon laughs, the sound loud and clear and beautiful, and Seungkwan feels himself grinning too. 

"Get some sleep, Kwan," the younger boy says, once their laughter has faded. "I'll pick you up at 1, okay?"

"Okay," Seungkwan nods, before realizing Vernon can't see him. He pauses. And then sucks in a breath.

"I- I love you."

A pause on the other end. He's just about to beat himself up when he hears it, soft and clear.

"I love you too, Seungkwan."

" _Christ_ , Vernon, stop tickling me! Do you want us to crash and die?"

The younger boy laughs happily into his neck, and Seungkwan's glad Vernon can't see the way his face is flushed and sweaty and basically the color of a tan gone wrong. They were both at the park, the afternoon sun beaming down at them, and Vernon had the great idea that they should go biking. So they bought one with two seats, with Seungkwan sitting in the front. Seungkwan imagined it would be super romantic, like those scenes he'd watch in dramas, but it's only been like, a dozen minutes in and Vernon's hands keep digging into his waist — Vernon kept insisting it was because he was scared of falling off, and that's honestly the biggest lie Seungkwan has ever heard him say — and the other boy's face nuzzling on his neck. This only resulted in Seungkwan being a squirmish mess, their bike going all wobbly. Which would be very catastrophic, since Seungkwan's at the front and Vernon doesn't know how to ride a bike.

"Vernon!" he says again, choking back another giggle. "Stop- Oh shit-"

Just as he feared, their bike went colliding into the ground, with Seungkwan veering sideways at the very last second so they come crashing down onto the grass and not the rock-hard pavement. Vernon falls right on top of him, and a muffled grunt slips from Seungkwan's lips at the sudden weight on his chest.

"Hansol Vernon Chwe," Seungkwan grumbles into the other boy's hair, and he can just _feel_ Vernon grinning. The audacity. "I'm so going to get you for this humiliation."

"Try me."

And Seungkwan does, pushing Vernon off of him until they're both rolling on the grass, laughing and bickering and getting their clothes all dirty. In the back of Seungkwan's mind, he's certain they look like a bunch of idiots, and he dimly senses the judgmental stares of onlookers, but does he care? Not really.

To his delight, he manages to get the younger boy under him, laughing at the startled expression on Vernon's face. "I won this time," he teases, only for Vernon's shock to fade into determination.

Suddenly he's under the other boy again, panting and breathless, and before he could roll to his side to get the younger boy below him once more, Vernon flashes him a cheeky grin, grabbing for Seungkwan's arms with one hand and pinning them above his head.

He looks up at Vernon with a glare, but it withers away just as quickly when he sees the younger boy, the redness in his cheeks and the twinkle in his eyes and the way his chest heaves as he lightly gasps for air, and Seungkwan feels his mind go into overdrive.

"I think I'm the real winner here," Vernon says innocently, lips twitching upwards. Seungkwan wants to punch him.

"Vernon, I swear, if you don't let me go right now, I'll-" He stops, eyeing the way the other boy's free hand playfully strokes at his sides, and the sliver of skin that's exposed from his shirt riding up. Seungkwan can feel the panic settling in.

"You wouldn't dare," he threatens again, but he knows there's no point, because his words are nowhere near menacing and an involuntary smile is already breaking out on his lips. Vernon doesn't reply, merely shrugging his shoulders, that goddamn grin still printed on his face. "Vernon, _please,_ oh my God-"

Seungkwan never gets to finish his sentence though, because just as he feared, Vernon's fingers prod at his sides, and Seungkwan's pleading goes unheard as he dissolves into another fit of giggles.

"You were saying?" Vernon asks playfully, and again, Seungkwan wants to punch him. Preferably with his lips.

Seungkwan tries once more, gasping and writhing and blushing profusely under him. "Vern, if you don't stop, I'll- I'll literally break up with you."

The other boy cracks up at this, before finally getting off of Seungkwan and plopping down on the grass beside him. Turning to his side, he says, "We should probably get back to our bike. We spent a lot on that, you know."

Eyeing him sceptically, Seungkwan sighs, standing up to brush the dirt off him. "You're riding up front though," he says, helping Vernon get up.

"But I don't know how to ride a bike!" the other boy protests, and Seungkwan just walks away, laughing.

A few hours later, once the sun has set and the stars start to brighten the heavens above, Seungkwan turns to Vernon, the other boy laying beside him in the grass, their fingers intertwined.

"Want some more?" Vernon asks, offering the tub of cookie dough ice cream they've been sharing with his free hand when he realizes Seungkwan staring, and Seungkwan shakes his head.

"I shouldn't," he replies softly. "I don't wanna gain weight."

Frowning, Vernon props himself up on his elbow. "Hey, Kwan, you know you're beautiful no matter what weight you are right? Like, you're funny, and smart, and kind, and you have a voice to rival a god, and I could go on and on about all the things that make you beautiful, but then we'd be here all night."

Seungkwan smiles, cuddling in closer towards Vernon as he throws an arm around the other boy's waist. "It _is_ getting quite late, isn't it?"

"It was fun today though," Vernon mumbles, leaning into Seungkwan's touch as he plays with the younger boy's hair.

Seungkwan hums in agreement, and there's a comfortable silence around them when a thought plants in his head.

"I have a question," he starts, looking up from where his head is nestled on Vernon's chest. "With the second semester coming up and everything, would you, um..."

He trails off, feeling the blood rush to his cheeks. Vernon tilts his head questioningly at him, and Seungkwan tries to continue without sounding like a stuttering disaster. "I was just thinking how — if it's okay with you, of course — maybe you could move into my dorm this time? Like, I don't have a roomate and you mentioned before how you've been feeling lonely lately in your co-op, so, uh-"

The other boy doesn't reply, and Seungkwan averts his gaze. "Um, sorry. Forget I said anything, that was dumb."

"Oh my God, no, Seungkwan, that's not dumb," Vernon says gently, running a tender hand through Seungkwan's hair. "I-I'd love to move in with you. Are you sure though? Your room's gonna be a lot more messy with me around."

"It's okay," Seungkwan persists. "You can bring in all your stuff, it's fine, and you can sleep in my bed, too."

"Like how we used to do before we started dating?" Vernon asks, a tease in his voice, and Seungkwan feels his ears go red.

"Yeah, but maybe we could use just one blanket this time?"

"Definitely," Vernon says with a cheeky grin, and Seungkwan engulfs the younger boy in a hug.

He feels Vernon kiss his forehead, and he sighs contentedly, their bodies so close it sets Seungkwan's body aflame.

"I like it when you kiss me," he murmurs into Vernon's neck, feeling the younger boy's chest heaves when he laughs.

"I'll be sure to do it more often, then."

  
  


**Today; 3 March 2019**

Seungkwan doesn't want to live in a world where he has to deliver an eulogy to his dead boyfriend.

But here he is anyway, sitting on the front row, Jeonghan on his right and Soonyoung on his left. Seungcheol is first to go up to the podium to deliver an eulogy; it was supposed to be Seungkwan but he just couldn't, and said it'd be safer for him if he'd do it last.

Each and every eulogy delivered is a blow to Seungkwan's heart. Jeonghan goes next, then Joshua, who chokes up in tears, and Seungkwan wants to rush forward to help but Jeonghan's already beside him, whispering soothing comforts into his ear. The sight sends a bittersweet sting blooming in his chest.

Joshua is soon followed by Junhui, then Soonyoung, until everyone's had their turn and now it's Seungkwan's.

He doesn't know what to say.

He doesn't know what everyone would want to hear.

Should he tell them he first met Vernon when he escaped to the beach to cry because he felt homesick and so, _so_ lonely a few weeks after moving to Seoul with his aunt, and Vernon had kept him company with his terrible jokes and stories of his childhood? Should he tell them they were just 12 year olds, playing in the sand and splashing water at each other's clothes, until suddenly they weren't and they fought their way into college together? Should he tell them they had their first kiss under the stars, their second on Seungkwan's bed as they laid together naked, and their third in a dingy bathroom stall after they both got drunk at Seungcheol's party?

Or maybe he shouldn't, because he's selfish and wants to keep those cherished memories to himself.

He steps forward, staring at nothing but his shoes and wanting to disappear.

"I love Vernon," he starts off quietly, crying a little, the only reason he could be heard because of the microphone in front of him. "I love him, and I don't know if I'll ever relive the love that we had. I don't even know if I'd love anyone like I love Vernon. He's my best friend, and we were supposed to soldier the world together, but now he's gone and it's such a nightmare."

Seungkwan thinks his legs are about to give up on him. "He made me feel safe, from myself and everyone else, and I don't know what to do now that he isn't here. But, that doesn't change the fact that Vernon is all things bright and beautiful, and I'm so fucking glad I had the chance to love someone like him."

Seokmin ends up helping him back to his seat, and some senior from college behind him pats his shoulder, offering a tiny smile, but he doesn't know anything. Seungkwan's said enough to everyone here, but there's still so much he wants to tell Vernon.

The service finally ends, and eventually he gets back into Jeonghan's car. Everyone else goes back home, continuing on with their day, but the twelve of them travel the half an hour drive to the beach.

In a few hours, Seungkwan will be scattering Vernon's ashes.

Seungkwan feels Mingyu squeeze his hand, feels his tears drip down his cheeks and spill into the sand.

The twelve of them are standing on the shore, the sky above their heads colored by the setting sun. Seungkwan somehow managed to make it through the day.

He wonders if he'll make it through the night.

"Do you want to stay over with me and Junhui?" Soonyoung asks from beside him, voice soft and broken from crying. "Or, it doesn't have to be our dorm, you could stay with anyone else."

Seungkwan shakes his head. "It's okay. I'll survive, hyung." He's lying through his teeth. "I'll call you guys if I need anything though."

Soonyoung nods in understanding, and Seungkwan turns to see Jeonghan approaching him, Joshua trailing behind him. Jeonghan doesn't say anything, but Seungkwan can tell.

"You get going now," Soonyoung tells him, nudging him gently once he's noticed the pair. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

Seungkwan nods, before throwing his arms around the older boy. He does the same for everyone else, with them hugging him back, and Seungkwan feels tears prick at his eyes.

Seungkwan's starting to get really tired of crying.

  
  


**Then; 26 July 2018**

It's nearing 4 in the afternoon when Seungkwan and Vernon finally finish moving all of the younger boy's stuff into his dorm, and Seungkwan is _exhausted_.

He'd already received permission from their college's administration staff for Vernon to move into his dorm for that school year — and hopefully for the rest of their years in college — and the whole day was spent moving the few boxes filled with Vernon's stuff, buying an extra drawer and a mini closet in IKEA, and shifting the things in said boxes into said extra drawer and mini closet. They've also bought some other necessities, just in case, with the help of Wonwoo and Mingyu.

"This calls for a celebration," Seungkwan declares, getting up from where he's sprawled on his carpet.

He feels Vernon watching him from where the younger boy is draped on his bed. "Have anything in mind?" Vernon asks.

"I managed to get some leftover cake from one of my classmate's birthday yesterday. He's in my interior design class. I told you, remember?" Seungkwan tells him, hunting around his fridge.

Vernon nods, before choking back a snort when he sees the platter on Seungkwan's hands. "That's… a lot of cake."

Seungkwan grins, grabbing two forks and walking over to the other boy. "Yeah, and it's all for us."

"You know, you're so cute when you get excited."

Feeling his face flush, Seungkwan quickly diverts his gaze. "Do you wanna do something while shoving all this cake down our throats?"

He glimpses back to see Vernon scrunch his eyebrows in thought, until the other boy visibly perks up. It's endearing. "Do you still have Minecraft in your Xbox?"

"Oh my God," Seungkwan chortles, swallowing down a laugh. "Yeah, of course I do. We haven't played Minecraft in literal ages though, but whatever."

Grinning, Vernon rolls onto the carpet and in front of Seungkwan's TV. "Survival mode? I miss falling off high trees and dying and fighting mobs and all that good shit."

Seungkwan rolls his eyes fondly, feeling his heart start to pick up.

"Anything for you, Vern."

An hour and a half later, once Seungkwan's fingers have gotten sore and Vernon's legs have started to cramp, they've both come to the unanimous decision to shut the TV off, and Seungkwan turns to Vernon sitting cross-legged beside him like it's seventh grade all over again.

Vernon doesn't seem to notice him staring though, the other boy getting up and plunking down on his bed. Seungkwan chews on his lip, before joining him.

"Hi," Vernon says with a smile once they're both seated again, bodies pressed up against each other and backs against the wall. 

"Hi," Seungkwan replies back, a similar smile plastered on his face, and he reaches up to paste a lingering kiss on Vernon's lips. Not his forehead, or his cheek, but right on his lips and _fuck,_ it's just as soft and warm and sweet as Seungkwan remembers it to be.

He didn't mean for the gesture to be anything if it isn't innocent, but suddenly Vernon pulls him into his lap, locking him in and turning it into something more.

He stops, and they breathe. "Do you wanna- I mean, is it okay if we… "

"If we… what?" This could mean many things, and Seungkwan knows this. Maybe Vernon wants to kiss him once more, and that'll be the end of it? Maybe Vernon wants to keep it simple, merely cuddling on Seungkwan's bed, talking until they eventually fall asleep? Maybe Vernon wants to cross the next step, trespassing into a whole new base despite the both of them having never done anything like this before?

"I can't just _say_ it, Kwan."

Vernon's blushing now. Seungkwan hides a smile, knowing he's succeeded in making the other boy flustered.

"But if you don't, I'll just go ahead and assume you want another slice of cake or something."

Rolling his eyes with a smile, Vernon shakes his head. Seungkwan wants to reach up and touch his beautiful brown curls, but he restrains himself. "In the wise words of Seungcheol hyung, do you wanna do the do with me? I mean, oh God, we don't have to if it's too soon, or if you-"

"Vernon? Shut up. I-" Seungkwan sucks in a breath, steadying his nerves. "I'd like to do the- You know what, I can't even say it."

Running a hand through his dark hair, he continues. "This is really happening, huh?"

"Yeah," Vernon answers, a little breathless, and there's a matching red tint on both their cheeks. "Are you sure you want to-"

"Yes." Seungkwan surprises himself with the absolute certainty in his voice, but there's no denying the fact that he hasn't thought about it a few times. "I do want to. Do this, I mean. With you. Jesus, I'm really ruining the mood, aren't I?"

Vernon laughs, as if Seungkwan has just told him a good joke and not straight-up told him he wants to have sex. Seungkwan feels his face burn.

And his face only blazes up even more when Vernon kisses his lips, with so much tenderness it leaves Seungkwan aching for more. He kisses him once, twice, a third time, and Seungkwan waits for a fourth when all of a sudden their positions switch, with Seungkwan going from being seated on Vernon's lap to being pinned against the wall.

It makes him go crazy, really.

"Wait, Vern," Seungkwan breathes out, eyeing the remaining afternoon sunlight streaming into his room, illuminating the both of them in a golden crown of light. "Can we close the curtains?"

Vernon frowns. "You know I think you're beautiful in every way possible, right?"

"It's nice of you to think that, but I don't want you rethinking it. Please, Vernon?"

"I'm never going to think you're not beautiful." But Vernon draws the curtains anyways, and Seungkwan releases a breath he didn't realize he was holding. 

"Can we… play some music too? Just because."

Vernon bites back a growing smile, reaching for his phone. "Wanna bang to Zimzalabim?"

"God, you're such an idiot."

"I'm an idiot, but with taste. And I'm _your_ idiot, you idiot."

Vernon puts on his playlist, at full volume too, before making his way back to Seungkwan. He's on his — no, it's _theirs_ now — bed, elbows propping himself up, and Vernon carefully cradles Seungkwan's hips with his thighs. There's newfound confidence surging through him now, with the darkness to mask his insecurities and the music to drown out any thoughts that scare him. Seungkwan wonders how long it'll last.

Vernon finally plants the fourth kiss he's been waiting for. His hands are on Seungkwan's waist, Seungkwan grabbing on to the other boy's shoulders. It's slow and gentle at first, until Seungkwan lets out a strangled gasp when Vernon's lips leave his own and finds their way to Seungkwan's neck instead.

"Is this okay?" Vernon murmurs into his ear, his warm breath sending a shudder through Seungkwan's body. He feels his face turn horribly red.

"Yes. Yes, it's okay, please continue, oh my God."

He knows Vernon's smiling, and Seungkwan wants to kick him. 

The urge quickly fades though, because Vernon goes back to wandering down his jaw, leaving agonizingly slow, hot kisses on the slope of Seungkwan's neck and gently biting down on his collarbone.

Seungkwan feels his mind go blank, the only things running through his mind insane profanities enough to make his mom disown him.

And then Vernon's hands are fiddling with his shirt, blindly untucking it out of his jeans. Seungkwan's shirt comes flying off, and Vernon strips off his own sweater, too. And it's completely different, because sure, they've been to the beach more times than necessary, but they've never held each other shirtless.

"Should we take off our pants?" Vernon asks. "On the count of three?"

Seungkwan nods, and Vernon starts.

"Three..."

Seungkwan unbuckles Vernon's belt, unzipping his jeans, with the other boy doing the same for him.

"Two..."

Then they're sliding out of their pants, bringing down their boxers too. Seungkwan can feel his heart thudding loudly against his ribcage, as if demanding to be let out, and he hears the hitch in Vernon's breath.

"One."

And just like that, they're both completely naked, their clothes a forgotten heap on the floor.

It's all so sudden, but in a good way. It's weird too, how they went from being best friends to boyfriends in a span of one week. But Seungkwan likes this kind of weird. How Vernon traces his skin, his imperfections, and Seungkwan doesn't want to hide. How Vernon would use to dig into his backpack for chocolates he's hoarded, but now he's searching around for lube and condoms, and Seungkwan doesn't even want to know why he's got that in there. How Seungkwan lets out gasps and whimpers he never knew he could make and Vernon's gentle with him, careful in how they do it. The way both of them have never done something like this before, but Vernon's hands treat Seungkwan as if they've been together for years, as if they were made for each other. And it's weird how, when they're done, Seungkwan feels like he's just given all these broken pieces of himself to Vernon but comes out whole.

Vernon sighs happily, crashing down on the bed beside Seungkwan. "So. That just happened."

Rolling over to his side so that they're eyes meet, Seungkwan gazes at the other boy. "Yeah. And I'm glad it happened."

"It's a lot harder than I expected though. They make it look so effortless in porn."

"Tell me about it. I never knew I could arch my back like that," Seungkwan adds with a teasing grin, face still flushed. This earns a loud laugh from Vernon.

A smile still planted on the other boy's face, he inches closer, close enough for Seungkwan to feel his breath brush against his cheek. "You're so beautiful, Kwan," he says softly. Seungkwan rolls his eyes, no malice in the action.

"I literally look like a tomato right now."

"Yeah, but you're a beautiful tomato." Vernon says playfully, and Seungkwan lightly hits his arm. Then they're kissing again, only for a few seconds, but it's probably for the hundredth time since they've gotten together. Not that Seungkwan's complaining or anything.

"Boo Seungkwan, I said it once and I'll say it again. I'm so, _so_ in love with you."

Seungkwan smiles, nestling his head on Vernon's chest.

"And I love _you_ , Vernon."

And Seungkwan is confident. He's no longer listening to the voices in his head telling him he's inferior, that he isn't good enough.

Vernon loves him. He knows it. 

Seungkwan hopes Vernon knows how much he loves him, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys like it so far :')) pls leave kudos + comments ,,, if you want to that is hdhdhhd


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to mention !! college in korea starts in march and ends in february (they have a break during july after the first semester, and their second semester starts on august)
> 
> also the college here is a university for all forms of art and music, so yes :)

**Today; 4 March 2019**

Seungkwan knows he's supposed to go to university today. 

It's his first day as a sophomore, after all. He's already missed student orientation when it was held last month, and missing his first day back in college, especially when he knows he's got an 8 am class to attend, wouldn't be an ideal way to start the new semester.

But Seungkwan could barely lift himself away from his pillow, even though it _is_ starting to get a little uncomfortable laying his head on the wet patches formed from his tears.

So Seungkwan doesn't go. 

He lays in bed, the hours passing by in a blur. He doesn't eat either. He knows that, if Vernon really is watching somewhere, then he'll be super mad at Seungkwan for not taking care of himself. But all Seungkwan can do is claw at his chest, hoping and praying his heart would stop falling apart.

It's a little past 11 in the morning when he finally checks his phone, only to discover 23 missed calls from his friends, and a dozen from his mom and sisters back in Jeju.

A pang of guilt shoots it's way through Seungkwan's chest.

Thinking back, he hasn't called his family in _weeks_ now, which is completely unlike him. He's always updated his family on what's happening a couple of times a week once his aunt left back for Jeju when he became a freshman, either through text or on the phone, and his family never pestered him too much if he ends up forgetting to message them. But now...

Seungkwan hesitates, before deciding to call his mom. It's the least she deserves after having been a terrible son to her.

He inhales, exhales, and inhales again, clearing his throat and hoping it doesn't sound like he's been crying for days now. His mom picks up on the second ring, and Seungkwan braces himself for whatever she might throw at him.

"Boo Seungkwan!" she yells into his ear, causing him to flinch. "Do you know how worried I was? You haven't called since-" A pause. Seungkwan just _knows_ his mom is looking for the actual date he stopped calling her, which certainly doesn't help his guilt. "-Since the _ninth_ of February. Did your phone break or something? I've left hundreds of missed calls and voice messages, and the only reason I know you're not dead is because those dear friends of yours would update me from time to time. They told me I shouldn't worry too much, but then proceeded to say that you, and all your other friends too, weren't in a great place. So of _course_ I was worrying my head off. And today is your first day back in university, isn't it? But I just got a call saying you didn't come in today, _and_ you missed orientation. What's happening, Seungkwan?"

Seungkwan sucks in a sharp breath. He really didn't mean to ignore his mom like this, but it's true. He hasn't checked his phone much at all these past few months, and eventually so many notifications have piled up he decided to ignore it all.

"Are you going to tell me, or are you expecting me to fly all the way to Seoul, huh?" 

"I-I'm sorry, mom," he says lamely, trying not to hunch his shoulders in an attempt to make himself smaller at the hardness in his mother's voice. 

There's silence on the other end, before his mom lets out a drawn-out sigh. "I know you, Seungkwan. You wouldn't have pulled this kind of stunt unless something's wrong. And, where's Vernon? How could he let you do something like this?"

There's a joking tone in his mom's words at the end, and Seungkwan knows it's her attempt to lighten the mood. But Vernon's name sends another flood of grief swamping in his veins, and before he can stop himself, he chokes down a broken sob.

"Mom," he cries, again, as he clutches on to his phone.

"Seungkwan? What's wrong? Please, talk to me."

He shakes his head, forgetting his mom can't see it. "Vernon's gone, mom."

He can almost feel his mom trying to fit the pieces together, trying to make sense of the situation. "Do you mean… you guys broke up?" she asks, gentle and soft and completely unaware of what Seungkwan's gonna say next.

"Dead, mom. Vernon- He died last week." And Seungkwan's full-on sobbing on the phone right now, shaking and shuddering without Vernon to hold him.

"Oh. Oh, honey, Seungkwan, I'm sorry for yelling," his mom says, her voice so tender and understanding it nearly breaks Seungkwan even more.

"I don't know what to do, mom," he confesses. "I miss him and it hurts so much."

"Seungkwan, I'll be there, okay? I'll book a flight or something and-"

There's a gentle firmness in her voice, but Seungkwan cuts her off. "Mom, no. You're needed there, and I'll take good care of myself. I promise." He's lying, and Seungkwan hates lying to his mom, but he can't let his mother see him so wrecked. 

"Seungkwan… " He hears his mom take in a breath. "Okay. But you need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. You don't need to go back to school now, not until you're ready, but please remember to have your meals and sleep properly and take your baths, okay?"

"Okay." Seungkwan sniffs, his cries dying down to a soft whimper.

"And don't cut your friends off. They're good people, you know that, right?"

"I know," he mumbles, remembering the dozens of missed calls left from everyone else.

"I love you, Seungkwan."

"Love you too, mom."

And then the call ends, and Seungkwan's alone again. Swallowing down the bile in his throat, he scrolls down his call log, deciding to call Joshua first since he's least likely to raise his voice at him.

Hopefully the others will be with him too, because Seungkwan doesn't know if he'll be able to call everyone else back.

He doesn't know if he has the energy in him to do it.

Joshua picks up immediately, as if he was waiting for him to call, and Seungkwan doesn't know what to make of it.

"Seungkwan? Are you okay?" he asks, muffled sounds and voices in the background.

"I'm fine, hyung," Seungkwan replies back, his voice hoarse, before pausing. "Okay, no, I feel horrible, and I'm really sorry for not answering any of your calls.'

"That's okay," Joshua says soothingly. "Is it okay if I put you on speaker? I'm with a few others right now."

Seungkwan nods, until he realizes the older boy can't see him. "Yeah, I don't mind."

A few seconds later, Mingyu's voice booms into his ear, and Seungkwan winces, putting his phone down on his bed and away from him.

"Seungkwan! Are you alright? Have you eaten? We're really, really worried about you."

He can nearly make out Mingyu's trademark pout and sad eyes, and the thought almost causes the smallest of smiles to tug on his lips.

"Yeah," he answers, not knowing what question to reply to. "I, uh, I'm gonna eat now actually."

This is the most Seungkwan's said in days, and his throat is starting to hurt, especially since he hasn't had a single glass of water so far.

"Seungkwan?" A new voice appears; Jihoon's. "Is it okay if we come over later? Once our classes end?"

"That's fine," Seungkwan says softly. "I hope you don't mind the mess too much though."

They say their goodbyes, and Seungkwan holds on to his phone long after they've ended the call.

He eats, and it's not much but it's still _something_ , and he changes into a fresh pair of Vernon's clothes.

Then he falls back to sleep, Vernon coming back to him in broken-down dreams and fractured memories.

And it's approximately 4 hours later when Joshua, Mingyu, and Seokmin nearly barge into his dorm, feeding Seungkwan a portion from the bags filled to the brim with food, before proceeding to clean the whole place up.

"You guys didn't have to do this," he mutters, helping Mingyu pick up leftover food wrappers and throwing them in the trash bags.

"We know," Seokmin says, turning to flash him his million-watt smile. "But we wanted to do it anyway."

Seungkwan sniffles, his tear ducts having gone absolutely dry, before whispering a soft 'thank you' to the older boys.

"Hey," Joshua interrupts softly, from where he's leaning on the kitchen counter after having escaped for a bit to call Jeonghan. "The rest are on their way right now. Seungcheol and Junhui have a 6 pm class though, and they're sorry for not being able to make it."

"That's okay," Seungkwan says, standing up and dusting the dirt off of him once he sees that they're almost done. He looks around his newly-cleaned dorm, and it's and it's certainly an improvement compared to the mess he's been living in these past few weeks. He hopes he can keep it that way for a while.

"Do you guys-" Mingyu starts, but is cut off by the incessant knocking on Seungkwan's door.

"Guess that's them," Joshua says with a sheepish smile, walking over to open the door.

And the next few hours, surrounded by his amazing, god-tier friends who don't deserve to deal with his pathetic ass, watching dumb movies and eating ice cream, Seungkwan can almost bring himself to smile again.

But what he loves about his friends the most, is how they don't forget Vernon. They remember him, in the tiny things they do.

And, it almost feels like Vernon's still with them.

Until his friends leave when night comes and reality comes crashing down on Seungkwan all over again.

  
  


**Then; 30 July 2019**

Seungkwan is _sick_.

He's not sure if it's because of all the cakes and ice creams he's been eating lately, or because he got caught in the rain yesterday when buying his and Vernon's weekly groceries without an umbrella, but he woke up today feeling like absolute shit.

And once again, he sneezes into another tissue, feeling vaguely embarrassed on how his sneezes sound like a fucking trumpet, but right now his eyes are all watery and his head hurts and he's pretty sure he's got a fever too, and he decides that there's more important things to worry about.

Vernon glances over at him worriedly from where he's in their tiny kitchen, cooking up some hot soup. "That's the sixth time you sneezed in 2 minutes. Should I be worried?"

Seungkwan, who's nearly dying on their living room couch, groans instead of replying, hoping the other boy would get the message. He huddles up even closer to the blankets that Vernon has wrapped around him, burrowing himself down on his pillow. 

"Vern," he groans out, and the other boy whips his head to look back at him. "Please hurry up, oh my God. I think I'm about to die."

Vernon laughs, shaking his head fondly. "Nice to see you being just as dramatic even when sick." He turns off the fire from the stove, scooping up spoonfuls of chicken soup from the pot and into a bowl.

He walks over to Seungkwan with a smile on his face, and Seungkwan's about to smile back at him when Vernon _drops_ the bowl of soup, porcelain shards shattering as they hit the floor. He feels his smile disappears.

There's a pause. Seungkwan stares at Vernon, but Vernon's looking at the soup that's now staining their carpet.

"Fuck," he whispers, and maybe in a different circumstance Seungkwan would have laughed. "Kwan, I'm sorry, my hand started cramping or something and the bowl just-" He sucks in a breath, and Seungkwan watches the way Vernon stares at his hand accusingly. "You know what? I'll just… get another bowl."

Goodness. Even in his sick state, he can feel his face tinting red, and he's sure it's not because of how feverish he felt. Vernon is _adorable_ , literally what the hell.

The other boy cautiously settles down beside him once he has gotten a new bowl, careful to not sit on Seungkwan's legs or drop any more soup. "Sorry about that," he says with an apologetic smile, and Seungkwan has to pinch himself to not laugh. "My left arm started feeling all tingly for some reason."

"Is it okay now?" Seungkwan asks, words coming out in a hoarse whisper. 

"Yeah, I think so," Vernon says with an assuring smile, and Seungkwan allows himself to relax. Or, as much as he could relax with a 39.5 degree fever.

"How are you feeling?" Vernon asks him as Seungkwan slowly swallows down the soup.

"Better than this morning. I think."

The other boy watches him, brows furrowed and obviously troubled. "But… your hands are shaking. Should I feed you?"

Seungkwan bites back a smile. "Yes, please."

Vernon stares back at him, with way too much affection it makes Seungkwan avert his gaze. He carefully takes the bowl back into his hands, and Seungkwan purses his lips, trying not to smile. "You know Vern, your hands are shaking even more than mine."

Blushing, Vernon looks down. "Probably because I'm nervous. I mean, you're sick and I barely know how to take care of you."

Seungkwan feels a tug in his heartstrings, and his eyes soften. "Hey, Vern, don't think that. You've been taking care of me the whole _morning_. You literally woke up in a puddle of my disgusting sweat and helped me change clothes at 6 in the morning. _And_ you ran all the way to the pharmacy to get me some medicine in your pajamas because you were so worried. So shut your ass, okay?"

Vernon snorts, the most precious smile growing on his face. He feeds Seungkwan the soup without too much trouble, just spilling a few scalding droplets here and there, but Seungkwan won't protest. Once he's done, Vernon frowns.

"You're sweating," he states worriedly. "Should I help you take a bath?"

And Seungkwan nearly chokes.

Face painting a bright shade of red, he stares at Vernon, a similar flush on the younger boy's cheeks. "Uh," he says, suddenly paying extra attention to his hands. It's trembling. "If you want me to, of course."

"Jesus. You're such a dork," Seungkwan mutters, rolling his eyes and smiling as best as he could without making it look like a grimace. "Yes, of _course_ it's okay if you, my boyfriend, would do that for me."

They uncoordinatedly make their way towards the bathroom, with Seungkwan turning the faucet on for the hot water to flow. He turns back to Vernon, only to find him pointedly staring away from Seungkwan, fumbling with his hands.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm, uh, giving you some privacy. You know, to take off your clothes and everything." Vernon's mumbling, shifting from one foot to another, and Seungkwan sighs.

"Vernon, babe," he says, smiling in amusement at the way the other boy nearly _squeaks_ at the endearment. If being sick means being more confident, then Seungkwan wouldn't mind the stuffiness in his nose and the constant itching in his throat. "You've already seen me naked. We've had _sex_ , Vern."

The other boy turns to look at him, with Seungkwan perched atop the bathtub, only to quickly look away again when Seungkwan starts pulling off his shirt, because his sweat is starting to make his shirt stick to his skin and it feels gross. 

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure, Vernon. I don't want to hide from you."

Vernon smiles at this, although there's a pink flush on his cheeks that lingers when he helps Seungkwan take off his pants. 

(He's sure he isn't much better off, but he'll continue to blame it on the fever.)

Vernon helps him ease into the bath, and Seungkwan lets out a relaxed sigh at the feeling of the water warming his skin. Not for the first time that day, he's glad for the constant red flush on his cheeks from his cold. With Vernon washing and shampooing his hair for him, and scrubbing and massaging the knots in his back, Seungkwan can feel his heart cartwheeling in his chest at the other boy's soft touches.

Once they're done, Vernon dries him off. "Wait right here," he tells Seungkwan. "I'll get you some warm clothes."

"Not like I'm going anywhere," he replies back, and Vernon rolls his eyes, quickly pecking at his nose before dashing towards their room.

"You're not supposed to kiss me," Seungkwan says with a pout when Vernon comes back with a pile of clothes in hand, voice coming out whinier than he intended. "You might get sick too."

"Kissing you is worth getting sick," Vernon says with a grin, settling the clothes down on the counter and holding up what looks like a sweater. _Vernon's_ favourite blue sweater. He hands it to Seungkwan, the grin only growing on his face.

"Here. There _must_ be some sort of scientific study somewhere that proves wearing your boyfriend's clothes helps you get cured of sicknesses faster."

"You are a dork," Seungkwan announces, again, putting on the sweater. "Fuck it, can I kiss you?"

"It would be an honor," Vernon says with a twinkle dancing in his eyes, and Seungkwan plants a soft kiss on Vernon's forehead. It's not like he wants the other boy to get sick too, and he giggles when Vernon lets out a whine of protest.

"Unfair, Kwan," he pouts, and Seungkwan huffs out a breath.

Reaching for another tissue, he blows his nose into it. "We can kiss when I'm better. For now though, we'll have to settle for mere cuddles."

Vernon's quiet for a second, before his lips curve into the beginnings of a smile. "I could work with that," he says.

And they do work with it, cuddling on their bed, limbs all over each other, despite Seungkwan being sweaty and gross and sniffling nearly every minute. 

Vernon never minded though, and Seungkwan absolutely loves him for it.

  
  


**Today; 7 March 2019**

Seungkwan didn't plan to wake up at 7 in the goddamn morning today, but here he is anyway, because a certain couple kept ringing his doorbell.

He opens the door, not really caring how his hair is sticking up in all directions, clothes ruffled and dorm messy. Raising an eyebrow at the two older boys in front of him, he sighs.

"You guys could like, give me a heads-up next time," he says, and Mingyu flashes him an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, Seungkwan," Wonwoo says gently. "We both don't have — well, actually Mingyu doesn't have any classes for the entire morning. Unfortunately for me, I have one at 9."

Mingyu nods, and Seungkwan invites the both of them inside. "We also wanted to check on you," the taller boy puts in, and Seungkwan feels his heart thud dully at the kindness in Mingyu's voice. "Do you… Do you think you could make it to class next week?"

"Yeah," Seungkwan replies. "I, uh, I've probably missed a lot already. Sorry for making you guys worry."

Shaking his head, Mingyu makes his way towards Seungkwan's kitchen, Wonwoo right beside him. "Don't be sorry, Seungkwan. We're your friends, and we really do care about you, okay?"

Goddamn. It's way too early for him to be tearing up at such a simple assurance.

Trying to change the topic, he observes the way Wonwoo opens up his nearly-empty fridge, with Mingyu taking out several pots and pans. "Hyung, you really don't have to do this," he says softly.

But both of them are already cracking eggs and boiling water, cooking up whatever's left in Seungkwan's cupboards. Not wanting to feel any more helpless, Seungkwan trudges over to the both of them, setting up plates and glasses on the table.

Ten minutes later, once Mingyu had placed plates of scrambled eggs and noodles and toast on the table and the three of them had settled down, Seungkwan tries for a smile. His heart swells at the older boys' kindness, and once again, he questions whatever deity is listening on what he did to deserve such friends.

"Thank you," he whispers, and Mingyu affectionately ruffles up his already messy hair even more.

"If there's anything else we can do, tell us, okay?" Wonwoo says, and Seungkwan nods.

They eat the rest of their breakfast in comfortable silence, and Seungkwan had almost forgotten how nice it is to have a proper meal after so long. He recalls back to last night, when his mom called to check up on him. He'd confessed how he's only been eating enough to not starve, and his mom had nearly blown a fuse.

Eventually, Wonwoo had to leave for his class, but when Seungkwan tells Mingyu he doesn't have to bother with him anymore, the older boy insists he wants to stay.

"Do you wanna watch something?" Mingyu asks once they're both on the couch, a single blanket wrapped around them. Seungkwan finds himself leaning into the older boy's warmth.

Shaking his head, he purses his lips. "Can we just… stay like this? My head kinda hurts."

He senses Mingyu tense to speak up, probably to ask if he needs any medicine, and Seungkwan quickly cuts him off. "It's nothing to worry about, Gyu."

Belatedly, he realizes he's used the nickname Wonwoo often used when talking to the other boy, but thankfully, Mingyu doesn't seem to mind. And again, Seungkwan is grateful for it. He knows full well that staying still and doing nothing isn't ideal for the older boy, but Mingyu complies anyway. When Seungkwan rests his head on Mingyu's shoulder, and the other boy doesn't pull away, there's a strange twinge in his chest that he can't quite figure out.

He doesn't know how long he stays like that with Mingyu, but it soon dawns on him that the older boy has fallen asleep, with Seungkwan feeling the gentle rise and fall of Mingyu's chest. He smiles to himself, closing his eyes and listening to the taller boy's steady breathing.

  
  


"Seungkwan?"

Fluttering his eyes open, Seungkwan groans, stirring from his sleep. He tries to grasp his surroundings, only to register how his head is resting on Mingyu's lap, and he looks up to see the other boy's worried frown twitching into a smile once he sees that Seungkwan's awake.

"How-" Seungkwan rasps out, before coughing to clear his throat. "How long have I been asleep?"

"Around three hours," Mingyu replies. "It's around half past twelve right now."

Seungkwan vaguely nods, his eyes already closing back shut, until Mingyu gently shakes him. "You can't sleep now, Seungkwan," he says, and even with his eyes closed, Seungkwan can still sense the pout on Mingyu's face. "I ordered chicken for lunch. It'll come any minute now."

Still half-asleep, he simply nuzzles his head against Mingyu's thigh, earning a soft giggle to break from the other boy's lips. "Seungkwan," he says, a hint of urgency laced in his voice that's enough to shake Seungkwan awake. "Get up now, please?"

"Sorry," he mumbles, slowly getting up and rubbing his eyes. "And, uh, sorry for falling asleep on you. That must have been bothersome."

Mingyu waves his hands, shaking his head. "No, it's okay!" he promises. "I had my phone anyway, and Wonwoo's been texting me secretly in class too, even though he keeps telling me to go away since he can't focus. I know he doesn't mean it, though." There's a sort of faraway smile on his face, and suddenly Seungkwan doesn't want to talk about this anymore.

The older boy must have noticed his abrupt silence, because he shifts on the couch, turning to look at Seungkwan. "Do you wanna do something while waiting for our lunch?" he asks with a bright smile. Seungkwan feels a strange tightness deep in his chest, and he shakes his head.

"Oh, actually, I think I'll take a shower. Is that okay?" Mingyu nods, ushering him into the bathroom, and Seungkwan grabs a set of clothes before locking the door behind him.

He sucks in a breath once he's alone, back against the wall. He takes off his clothes, turning on the shower and letting the hot water scald his skin. Back in the other room, he can hear Mingyu singing along to the Twice song he's got playing on his phone, and the start of a smile curves on Seungkwan's lips. Nevermind the panging in his heart when he remembers how Vernon used to do the exact same thing.

Another couple of minutes later and he's done, drying himself before putting his clothes on. Ruffling his hair dry with his towel, he goes back into the living room, only for his eyes to widen in surprise.

In the few minutes he's been gone, Mingyu has tidied up his dorm, fixing his bed and washing the leftover dishes in the sink. The chicken has arrived too, all set up nicely on the table, and Seungkwan spots the other boy near his window, talking on the phone.

"-I'll cook up something for you when you get home, okay? And don't forget to call me!" Mingyu is saying, before he turns around and meets Seungkwan's gaze.

Eyes shooting up, the older boy exclaims, "Oh, he's here now! Yeah, of course. I love you too." With a grin on his face, Mingyu hangs up, looking back at Seungkwan and gesturing at the food ready for them excitedly. Seungkwan rolls his eyes, but even to him it feels half-assed. The other boy's enthusiasm must be getting to him.

"Did I interrupt your call?" Seungkwan asks apologetically, grabbing for the food and sitting back on the couch. 

Mingyu shakes his head, following his actions. "Wonwoo's about to go into his literature class, so it's okay. Oh! And Chan, Soonyoung hyung, and Jihoon hyung are free this afternoon, and there's a very high chance that they'll come over too."

Seungkwan knows he's supposed to feel glad for more company, for more amazing friends who care way too much for him, but he surprises himself when there's a vague throb of… something he can't place. He waves it aside, not wanting to let it bother him.

So instead, he nods, taking a bite out of his food. "Thanks for the food, hyung," he says, and Mingyu brightens up at this. It's enough to make Seungkwan feel the tiniest bit happier.

A few seconds of silence pass between them as they eat their food in peace, until Mingyu speaks up again, albeit a bit hesitant. "That… That's Vernon's sweater, isn't it?" 

Seungkwan looks down in surprise, before a sad smile crosses his face. "Yeah," he says. "He gave it to me when I got sick this one time. I got better obviously, but he told me to keep it — said I looked better in blue than he did."

He feels Mingyu reach out, giving Seungkwan's free hand a gentle squeeze. And Seungkwan doesn't know what comes over him when the older boy does that, but all of a sudden he feels hot tears line his eyes, falling when he blinks.

"I miss him," he admits. "I mean, of course I miss him, but it still hurts. I've always thought Vernon was my happy ending but-" Mingyu grips his hand, and Seungkwan squeezes his eyes shut. "Maybe he was never just mine to keep."

And then soft hands wipe at his tears, and he almost leans into the touch, before stopping himself. Mingyu isn't Vernon. Seungkwan knows this.

"Don't say that, Seungkwan," the older boy is saying. "Vernon loved you, and I've seen it in everything he did. And he _still_ loves you. I'm sure he does."

Calming himself down, Seungkwan takes in a deep breath. "You're probably getting tired of hearing me thank you, huh?"

Mingyu lets out a tiny laugh at this, grabbing for his plate he had previously placed on his lap. "You're my friend, Seungkwan. Anything you need, and I'll be there for you, okay?"

Seungkwan offers the older boy a tired smile, not really meeting his eyes. "Yeah. I'll remember that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, pls leave kudos + comments if you enjoyed ❤️


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a new chapter !! hope you guys enjoy this, pls leave kudos + comments if you did ❤️

**Then; 3 August 2018**

Stars are overrated.

In Seungkwan's most humble opinion, Vernon is much, _much_ more breathtaking.

Laying beside Vernon, the both of them still in their pajamas on the hood of Jeonghan's car that they've borrowed after an uncontrollable urge to buy McDonald's at 2 in the morning, in their dorm's dirty parking lot, with the night sky stretching out over them and their interlocked hands, Seungkwan feels a strange qualm in his chest. As if, there's no way the universe would let him remain happy for this long.

"Hey," Vernon says, poking him on the cheek lightly. "What are you thinking?"

Seungkwan ignores the feeling, and instead, turns his body to look at the other boy beside him.

"Do you remember… " he starts, earning a confused look from Vernon. "Do you remember that one time in 12th grade? You didn't go to school for a whole _week_ ; you didn't call or text and I remember being so worried. I swear I was slowly losing my balls as the days passed by without any contact from you."

This earns a soft laugh from the other boy, although he's now wearing a guilty smile. Continuing, Seungkwan says, "And then, after seven whole days, you finally showed up. Looking completely fine. Back then, I'd asked why you didn't come to school, and you said that, when you're ready, you'd tell me." Seungkwan huffs in a breath, looking Vernon in the eye. "Why didn't you contact me, Vern? I really did think you vanished, maybe you moved back to America, and I thought you've finally grown tired of me or something. I was terrified you've left to a place I couldn't follow."

Seungkwan doesn't realize he's started tearing up until Vernon tenderly wipes the skin under his eyes. The younger boy moves in closer, until their foreheads bump, his hands resting on Seungkwan's cheek.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, after a long second of silence. "I'm sorry I made you worry so much, Seungkwan. I- I can't tell you why I was gone for so long just yet, but I promise it's nothing to worry about now. I swear I'll never leave again."

Sniffling, Seungkwan tries to glare down at the other boy, but there's a smile that's starting to peak through his face. "You promise?"

Vernon laughs, planting a kiss on Seungkwan's forehead that catches him off guard. "I promise."

"Don't go anywhere I can't follow, okay?"

And after a moment, Vernon encases him in a tight hug, nuzzling into Seungkwan's hair, voice as soft as his kisses. "Okay."

They stay like that, and Seungkwan wouldn't have minded if they stayed like that all night, but Vernon's voice stirs him from his reverie.

"We should probably go back up now," he says with a small smile. "It's getting cold, and my arms are starting to cramp up really badly."

Seungkwan jolts at this, immediately sitting up. "You should have told me!" he exclaims worriedly. "Does it hurt?"

Shaking his head, Vernon smiles. "I'm okay," he assures, getting up and helping Seungkwan do the same.

They make their way back up to their dorm, not wanting to make too much noise. They fail terribly though, because Vernon keeps tripping and Seungkwan keeps giggling, and in the back of his mind he's sure they'll both be receiving noise complaints when they wake up again in a few hours, but he's way too happy to care.

Finally making their way back, Seungkwan unlocks the door, a stupid smile awfully apparent on his face. He sees Vernon switch on the lights, and the both of them squint in the sudden brightness.

"Jesus," he mutters, glancing at the clock on the wall and turning to look at the other boy. "It's nearly 3, oh my God. Our second semester begins in 3 days, and our sleep schedule's absolute wack."

Vernon chortles at this, _loudly,_ and it's so goddamn adorable Seungkwan feels his knees go weak. Like the fool he is.

"Seungkwan, love," the other boy says with a lingering grin once his laughter dies down, and Seungkwan feels a hot blush spread on his face. "Let's not worry too much about that, okay? I know for a fact we're both not tired anyway."

Puffing out his cheeks, he rolls his eyes, taking off his jacket and hanging it by the door. "So what do you propose we do now?"

As soon as he says it, there's an immediate gleam in Vernon's eyes that Seungkwan recognizes all too well, and he feels his mouth quiver into a smile. "Dance party?" the younger boy suggests excitedly, and a laugh flutters away from Seungkwan's lips as he shakes his head.

"Which playlist?" he asks the other boy, only to earn a thrilled grin from Vernon.

"This one's called 'Songs I Want To Bop To As I Fall Harder in Love With Seungkwan'," Vernon says cheekily, showing him his phone, and Seungkwan flushes profusely when he sees the playlist really _is_ called that. 

Seungkwan groans, covering his face in embarrassment, but Vernon simply walks over and gently takes his hands away from his face, never breaking eye contact as the other boy presses shuffle.

The first song comes on, and Seungkwan immediately recognizes it, eyes lighting up in surprise as he's taken back to senior year in high school, hands on Vernon's shoulders and Vernon's hands on his waist, a makeshift disco ball illuminating their flushed faces.

Vernon doesn't fail to notice this, letting out a giggle at Seungkwan's expression. "Do you remember when we danced to this in our prom?" he asks, and Seungkwan laughs.

"God, how could I forget?" he quips fondly, watching as Vernon starts moving, body fluid and footsteps lighter than feathers, gliding around the floor with a happy grin plastered on his face. And, it's at times like this, when Seungkwan remembers how good of a dancer the other boy is.

" _i_ _might never be your knight in shining armor,_ " Vernon starts, and Seungkwan looks away, biting back a growing smile. 

" _I might never be the one you take home to mother._ " He's grabbing on to Seungkwan's hands now, and Seungkwan gives up on trying to hide the pink blush on his cheeks and the dumb smile planted on his lips.

The grin only continuing to grow on both their faces, the other boy spins him in a little twirl, and Seungkwan can feel the giddiness take over him as he slides across the floor, dancing and so fucking happy.

"Sing with me, Seungkwan," Vernon pleads, and of _course_ Seungkwan gives in to those adorable puppy eyes.

" _When I first saw you from across the room, I could tell that you were curious,_ " he begins, softly, because his English is nowhere near as good as Vernon's, but the younger boy doesn't seem to mind, only encouraging him to sing louder.

Vernon continues swaying to the beat of the music, voice only growing louder as the excitement conquers both their bodies. " _Boy, I hope you're sure, what you're looking for,_ " he sings with a giggle, and Seungkwan finds himself rolling his eyes fondly at the change of pronouns. _"Cause I'm not good_ _at making promises,"_

" _But if you like causing trouble up in hotel rooms_ ," the younger boy adds dramatically, reaching out for Seungkwan's hands once again as they move their feet around, and it's clumsy and stupid and Seungkwan probably looks like he's having a seizure with the way his limbs flail, but the smile never disappears from both their faces.

" _And if you like having secret little rendezvous,_ " Seungkwan joins in, theatrically pretending to sing into a microphone. " _If you like to do the things we know that we shouldn't do-_ "

"- _Then, baby, I'm perfect_ ," Vernon completes for him as he points to himself, flashing his famous gummy smile that nearly causes Seungkwan to dissolve in his striped pajamas. " _Baby, I'm perfect for you._ " 

They're both jumping to the music now, shaking their arms and intoxicatingly bobbing their heads. It's enough to get Seungkwan's heart rate speeding up, for more reasons than one.

" _And if you like midnight driving with the windows down,_ " they chorus together, completely exhilarated, pointing to each other and smiling and dancing as if they were the lead characters in a musical. " _And if you like going places we can't even pronounce_ -"

" _-If you like to do whatever you've been dreaming about_ ," Seungkwan sings, putting an act of strumming a guitar as Vernon bursts into laughter. " _Baby, you're perfect, so let's start right now_."

They continue to dance and jump around, doing little gestures here and there to match the lyrics playing. At one point Vernon starts lightly grinding against their couch, and Seungkwan almost collapses from laughing too hard.

The song ends after another minute, but now they're both way too excited to sleep. Seungkwan watches in amusement at the way Vernon perks up in recognition as the first few notes of the second song starts playing, immediately singing along to the lyrics.

" _What if we ran away_?" Vernon sings with bright eyes and an even brighter smile, jumping up on their sofa and making it his impromptu stage, with so much happiness in his face it strikes through Seungkwan's heart. " _What if we left today? What if we said goodbye to safe and sound_?"

Seungkwan hesitates, before stepping up beside Vernon, grabbing onto the other boy's arm when he almost topples over. " _And what if, what if we're hard to find_?" Vernon continues, motioning eagerly for Seungkwan to join him. " _What if we lost our minds? What if we let them fall behind and they're never found?_ "

Putting up his phone next to his lips to feign singing into a microphone once more, Seungkwan sings along to the next part, heartbeat skyrocketing when Vernon cheers happily. 

" _And when the lights start flashing like a photobooth,_ " Seungkwan picks up, shaking his head affectionately when the younger boy pretends to have an arrow shot through his heart. " _A_ _nd the stars exploding, we'll be fireproof."_

They sing the chorus together, catapulting off of the couch and laughing when they trip over each other's feet. 

And then Vernon's hands are on Seungkwan's waist, the younger boy guiding him to glide to the music, and Seungkwan isn't sure how they manage to slow dance to such a fast beat, but they make it work.

They're just about to launch into the second verse, when all of sudden the music stops, and Seungkwan hears the familiar tune of Vernon's ringtone rippling through the air.

"Goddamnit, that was my favourite part," Vernon complains. Seungkwan snorts, his racing heart slowing to something more like a jog when the younger boy picks up his phone.

"Who is it?" Seungkwan asks, curious, only for Vernon to sigh, begrudgingly answering the phone and putting it on speaker.

"Hel-"

"Look, I love you guys dearly," Jeonghan speaks out, voice laced with tired irritation and thick with sleep, and Seungkwan grimaces when he realizes the other boy must have just woken up. "But do you really have to be prancing around at 3 am? Have you forgotten me and Shua live right below you?"

Vernon glances at Seungkwan, obviously panicked, but Seungkwan merely shrugs. _You're on your own_ , he mouths, and he's quick to cover up his giggles when Vernon silently groans.

"Sorry, hyung," Vernon apologizes sheepishly. They both hear the older boy heave a long-suffering sigh, exchanging guilty looks.

"It's fine," Jeonghan mumbles. "By the way, is my car okay? You didn't crash it in a ditch or anything?"

"Of course not," Vernon replies in mock hurt. "I may have gotten my driver's license just a few weeks ago, but I'm not _that_ bad."

Walking over closer to Vernon, Seungkwan says into the phone, "He's lying, hyung! He almost drove past a red light and-"

The younger boy quickly clamps a hand over Seungkwan's mouth, eyes wide, cheeks turning red when Seungkwan finds the confidence to wink at him.

They both hear Jeonghan sigh. "I'm not even gonna ask," he says. "Just give me my keys later, okay? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm in need of some much needed sleep."

"Sleep well!" Seungkwan shouts out, grinning when he hears the other boy let out a soft chuckle through the phone before hanging up.

"So, uh," Vernon starts, looking so endearingly lost and confused, and Seungkwan _has_ to walk over and leave a short peck on the other boy's cheek. Face tinting pink, Vernon looks down, but Seungkwan can clearly make out the smile he's trying to hide. 

"What do we do now?" Seungkwan finishes for him, and Vernon nods. 

Offering the younger boy a mischievous smile, Seungkwan slightly bites on his lower lip as he moves his body closer, watching in satisfaction at the way Vernon's gaze flickers downwards. "We could sleep," he tells the other boy, the slightest tease in his voice. "Or, we could do something else."

In any other circumstance, Seungkwan swears he never would have acted like this, but the idea of doing something so late in the night (or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it), combined with the fact that he and Vernon are solely running on pure excitement and adrenaline, gives him a surge of confidence that makes his mind buzz.

"Something else… like what?" Vernon asks, a low hitch in the other boy's voice that gets Seungkwan's organs malfunctioning.

And Seungkwan isn't sure what comes over him at that exact moment, but he finds himself grabbing on to Vernon's sweatshirt as he presses their lips together, so hard and so fast he feels as if the hearts of every living, breathing thing is beating inside of him.

He hears the way Vernon softly moans, his hands reaching out for Seungkwan until it finally lands on his lower back, and Seungkwan lets out a muffled gasp when he feels Vernon sneak his hands under his shirt, teasing at the bare skin.

Seungkwan breaks away, looking Vernon straight in the eye. He pointedly ignores the way the younger's cheeks are beautifully flushed, his eyes in a sort of daze, and instead asks, "How do you want to do this?"

Vernon blinks, once, twice, until a tiny smile sneaks up on his face. "Get on the couch," he instructs, and Seungkwan does, Vernon getting on top of him as he gently cradles Seungkwan's hips.

The other boy's breath ghosts over Seungkwan's cheek, their noses brushing, and when their lips finally connect once again, Seungkwan feels the both of them smiling into it. He feels his body burst into hundreds of explosions.

He feels Vernon's hand thumb the sensitive skin of his neck, Seungkwan's hands tangled on the younger boy's hair. And when Vernon lightly bites down on Seungkwan's lip, Seungkwan has to force himself not to whimper.

Their kisses turn messy, more urgent and desperate, and somewhere in his mind Seungkwan knows his lungs will soon run out of air, but he's too busy getting lost in the drags and nips and presses of Vernon's lips, the sweetness of it all. He feels Vernon's arms go down and wrap around Seungkwan's waist, and Seungkwan could just melt under the touch.

Pulling away, Vernon's chest heaves as he gasps for air. "Wait," he breathes out. "I want- I want you on the bed."

Seungkwan goes silent, before a playful grin grows on his face. "Well, come on then," he says, allowing himself to tease the younger boy one last time before Vernon absolutely wrecks him.

They walk the short distance to their room, and Seungkwan climbs onto their bed, propping himself up on his elbows by the pillows. He watches as Vernon takes off his clothes, until every part of skin is made bare, looking different in the soft lamplight. Like a god of hedonism, painted golden with Vernon's hair all mussed up and the flush obvious on his chest. Seungkwan lets himself stare, at the muscle of his skin, lean and long and lithe. He stares at the dip of Vernon's waist below his ribs, looking impossibly soft, and Seungkwan might just die if he doesn't hold the other boy in the next two seconds.

"Quit stalling and kiss me again," Seungkwan mumbles. Letting out a tiny laugh, Vernon complies.

His body settles over Seungkwan's with a warm, steady weight. One of Vernon's thighs slide between Seungkwan's legs, hands bracing on his shoulders, and Seungkwan feels the point of contact like a static shock all over his body, his hips, the center of his chest. He pulls the other boy down into another all-consuming kiss.

Only Vernon has ever kissed him like this, as if the feeling could swallow him up whole, the other boy's body pressed up and grinding against Seungkwan's, covering every inch of his. He feels Vernon blindly unbuttoning his pajamas, kissing down Seungkwan's midriff as every button reveals even more of his skin, feels Vernon find the waistband of his pants, the elastic of his underwear, and then everything goes very hazy, very quickly.

And then Vernon's moving his lips down to Seungkwan's collarbone, licking and nibbling and doing all sorts of things that makes Seungkwan choke back a broken moan. He feels the sensation of Vernon's soft lips on his naked chest, right under his thudding heart. And he revels in the way the other boy's fingers trace Seungkwan's skin, the stretch marks and blemishes, the dents and flaws, in a way so tender and beautiful Seungkwan doesn't find it so ugly anymore.

"Kwan," Vernon murmurs. There's something in his voice, and the added fact that he's somewhere between Seungkwan's legs, that causes a puddle of heat to spread deep in Seungkwan's stomach. He refuses to look. "Stop holding back. I- I want to hear you."

Seungkwan sucks in a breath. His eyes flutter open, staring at the ceiling and deliberately ignoring the fervid way Vernon's kisses pin down on his inner thighs, slowly inching upwards. It sends waves of pleasure down his spine, and it's at times like this when Seungkwan is reminded of how royally fucked he is.

And then Vernon's hands are rubbing circles on Seungkwan's hips, the other boy's mouth hot on his length, and Seungkwan _does_ let out a moan at this, toes curling as he grips onto the bed sheets, blushing a dangerous shade of red. Soon enough he isn't even in control of his mouth, barely registering the words and sounds spilling from his lips. He's sure one of them is 'fuck'. 

He feels himself come, moaning a litany of profanities and Vernon's name. He feels the other boy swallow, and suddenly all he sees is red.

When they're done, Seungkwan vaguely discerns Vernon planting a sticky kiss on the crease of his leg. He wants to drag Vernon up beside him, but his body feels boneless and completely wrecked. Blissed out, dead.

The mattress shifts from under him, and Seungkwan cracks an eye open to find Vernon by his side, looking as euphoric as Seungkwan feels. He lets out a tiny whine when Vernon buries his face in the crook of Seungkwan's neck.

"I really want to kiss you right now," Vernon breathes against his skin, and Seungkwan thinks his heart would be practically drumming on his chest right now if he didn't feel so drained. "But I know you don't want to know what you taste like."

Seungkwan turns his body to the side, so that he and Vernon are face-to-face. "You don't get to kiss me until you brush your teeth, you got that?" he demands.

He hears Vernon chuckle, the other boy draping an arm lazily around Seungkwan's waist. "You taste good though," he says. "Like, really good. I think there's still a bit of you on my tongue."

Blood rushing to his face, Seungkwan glances disbelievingly at the younger boy before covering his face in his hands, the blush growing hotter when he rewinds what Vernon's said in his head. He groans, only to hear the younger boy laugh. The _audacity_.

"It's true!" Vernon exclaims, laughter only growing when Seungkwan blindly smacks at him with one hand. "Plus," Vernon says teasingly, propping himself up on his elbow. Seungkwan dreads what comes next. He peeks through his fingers, only to see Vernon grinning down on him as he grabs onto Seungkwan's hands, and Seungkwan makes a muffled whine of protest. "You make _such_ pretty noises, Seungkwan."

His heart _really_ isn't strong enough for this.

"Shut up, oh my God, what the fuck, Vern," he cries, desperately wanting to hide the flame on his cheeks, but Vernon's firmly holding his wrists in place, and Seungkwan might actually die from embarrassment.

Vernon eventually lets go, settling down once again beside Seungkwan, inching closer until Seungkwan can feel the other boy's pulse, their naked bodies pushed up against each other under the blanket.

"Speaking of pretty noises," Vernon starts, looking up at Seungkwan with a smile. "You should sing more, Kwan. Your voice is so beautiful, I want to drown in it."

"You think so?" Seungkwan asks, blinking in surprise.

"Yeah. I swear I could listen to your voice for an eternity. It's so sweet, like your kisses." Vernon pauses. "Wait. That kinda sounded weird, didn't it?"

A laugh tumbles from Seungkwan's lips at this, and he shakes his head. "No, it's fine. I just- Thank you," he says, chewing on his lip when he feels a blush spread on his cheeks again. "I _do_ like singing, but I think I'll just keep doing it for fun. Like, I wouldn't pursue it as a career or anything, but if Jihoon hyung wants me to sing for one of his songs again, then I guess I'd say yes."

Vernon nods at this, so supportive Seungkwan can't help but smile at the gentleness of it all. "Anyway, enough about me," he says, stroking a hand down Vernon's cheek, the other boy glancing at him questioningly. "You should dance again, Vern. I know you told Junhui hyung you'll be taking a break from your dance group thing to focus more on your classes, but you just look so happy and beautiful when you dance."

"Yeah?" Vernon mumbles. "I don't know. I'm not as good as Soonyoung hyung or Chan or anything."

Seungkwan sits up, frowning. "Well, I think you're as good as them. Hell, I think you're even better."

"You're just being biased right now." But a tiny smile crosses Vernon's face, and Seungkwan decides to continue. 

"I'm not kidding! And fine, even if you think you're not as good as them — which is false, by the way — I think it'd be nice if you continued dancing and entering competitions like you did in our first semester. You like dancing, don't you? Like, even more than you let on."

The other boy is quiet for a moment, and Seungkwan wonders if his dumb ass said something wrong, but then a tired grin starts to grow on Vernon's face, and he allows himself to breathe again.

"Maybe you're right," the younger boy says, curling up on Seungkwan's shoulder when Seungkwan lies back down. "I'll tell Soonyoung hyung about it. And Minghao hyung told me there's this showcase coming up at the end of September." Vernon glances up at Seungkwan, and Seungkwan feels a warmth blooming in his chest when the other boy smiles up at him. "Guess I'll join or something."

"I'll be your number one supporter, then."

Laughing, Vernon says, "I guess I'd have to build up my stamina again. My arms have been feeling weird and weak lately, which shouldn't be good. You've seen how tiring Soonyoung hyung's dance practices are."

Seungkwan nods, entwining his fingers in Vernon's hair. "Okay," he replies softly, placing a soft kiss on the other boy's forehead. "Just don't overwork yourself, alright?"

Vernon makes a tiny sound of agreement, already drifting into sleep. Seungkwan doesn't blame him; they've done so much today.

Eventually, Seungkwan feels his eyes go heavy too, falling asleep to Vernon's breathing and the steady rise and fall of his chest.

**Today; 11 March 2019**

First day as a sophomore in college, and Seungkwan thinks he'll be sick.

He'd excused himself from his Korean literature class to escape to the washroom, earning pitiful glances from almost all his classmates as he made his way out the door. He _hated_ it, if he was being honest. He'd entered campus with nearly everyone staring at him, on the grounds, in the hallways, and it was only when Chan and Seokmin suddenly appeared and greeted him, sticking by his side until they all parted to their respective classes, was he finally able to breathe a little.

He felt pathetic.

And even now, he still feels pathetic, swallowing down the lump in his throat as he hides like a coward in the dirty toilet stall.

He hears the washroom door crack open, immediately quieting the sobs building in his chest. Trying to steady his breathing, he pulls at his thumb, hoping it'd calm the anxiety growing in the pit of his stomach when he hears footsteps approaching his stall.

"Seungkwan? Are you in there?"

Recognizing the gentle voice, Seungkwan allows himself to breathe a little easier.

He wipes at his tears, inhaling in a deep breath before opening the stall door.

"Moonbin, hey" he greets, trying for a smile when he sees the other boy's worried face.

"Are you okay?"

Seungkwan blinks at the sudden question. "I've been better," he admits softly.

He sees Moonbin frown at this, the other boy letting out a small sigh. "Hey," he says, lightly prodding Seungkwan's side. "You'll be okay, okay? How about we go back to class now? We've only got architecture left, and then we're free."

Seungkwan laughs, in a way he couldn't for so long, and the sound of it nearly takes him by surprise. "That is," he cuts in with a fond shake of his head, "until the sculpture class we've got at 6 in the goddamn evening. I don't think my hands can make it till then."

Moonbin grins, his eyes turning to crescents, and Seungkwan tries to match the happy expression the other boy's got on his face.

It's hard, but at least he's getting better at faking it.

  
  


**Then; 5 August 2018**

Delicate fingers press softly on his shoulder when Seungkwan stirs awake, slowly fluttering his eyes open. He feels the hearts Vernon draws on his skin, sleepily leaning into the gentle touch.

"Are you awake, love?"

"No," is Seungkwan's reply. He cringes at the taste of his own breath, before his eyes shoot wide open. "Wait," he says, looking up at Vernon. "What did you just say?"

The other boy greets him with a sheepish smile. "It's cool if I call you stuff like that occasionally, right? I mean if you don't like it then-"

Seungkwan shakes his head, lightly pinching at Vernon's side to make the other boy shut up. "I'm definitely okay with it," he promises, leaning in to softly kiss at Vernon's jaw as his eyes flutter back shut.

"God," he hears Vernon say, albeit a bit breathlessly. "You look so cute like this, with your hair all messed up and that tiny speck of drool sticking to the corner of your mouth. It's adorable."

"I can literally kick your ass right now."

"I know," is all Vernon says, and Seungkwan cracks a single eye open to see the other boy smiling fondly at him. He feels his face flush.

Rolling his eyes in hopes of covering up the redness in his cheeks, Seungkwan props himself up, groaning when colored pinpricks sting at the corners of his eyes.

" _Anyway_ ," he says, very obviously trying to change the conversation. Vernon must notice this, and he probably notices Seungkwan noticing it, because he's got that little smirk playing at his lips that Seungkwan wants to kiss off of his beautiful face. Grabbing for his phone and scrolling through his messages, Seungkwan glances up at the other boy. "Is it okay if I call my mom right now? She left a few missed calls and-" He stops, jaw dropping in sudden realization as he brings his hand up to his mouth. Vernon stares at him, puzzled and waiting for him to finish his sentence, but all Seungkwan can do is stare at his phone in shock.

"Oh my God," he breathes out, finally turning to meet Vernon's gaze. "I, uh, I may or may not have forgotten to tell my family about us." He says this all in one breath, and he vaguely sees Vernon blinking in confusion.

"You... haven't told your family we're dating yet? And that I've moved in with you?" he confirms, and Seungkwan nods as he lets out a pitiful groan, hitting his head against his pillow at his stupidity.

"I'm a terrible son," he cries, voice muffled. He hears Vernon crack up endearingly at his demise, and he blindly whacks at the other boy's arm.

Vernon yelps, the sound stifling his laugher, and Seungkwan allows a tiny smile of satisfaction to grow on his lips. Sitting back up and reaching for his phone, he presses on his mother's contact number, taking in a deep breath as he rattles off what to say in his head.

His mom picks up faster than he expected her to, and he feels his palms start to sweat.

"Hello? Seungkwan?"

"Hi, mom," he greets back, a nervous laugh falling out of him before he can shove it down his throat. He doesn't dare look at Vernon; he can nearly feel the other boy -vibrating- from the laughter he's holding in. He decides to ignore him for the time being. "How are you?"

"Quite well, really," his mom replies coolly. "Even though my only son hasn't been calling or texting me as much as he promised to."

Seungkwan winces at this. "I'm really sorry, mom. It's just, I've been kinda busy with a few other... things," he tells her, raising an eyebrow at Vernon's direction.

The other boy shoots him a grin and two thumbs up, and Seungkwan rolls his eyes affectionately at the gesture. 

"Busy with what kinds of things? It better be for college — I'm pretty sure it starts again tomorrow."

"Ah." Seungkwan finds himself squeezing his eyes shut at his own awkwardness. "Of course, I've been busy with that too, but I was talking about something else."

He glances at Vernon again, the other boy smiling encouragingly at him, and he inhales in a breath. "Mom, I have something very important to tell you."

"Is that so?" she asks, and Seungkwan nods like she can actually see him. "If that's the case, then I'm putting you on speaker. Your father's still in the market, but I'm having breakfast with your sisters right now."

Seungkwan chokes a little at this. "Wait, mom! Don't-"

He stops, already feeling the prodding voices of both his older sisters make it's way into his ears. Sighing, he plunks his phone down on the bed.

"Is that Seungkwan?" he hears one of his sisters shout in the background. "Hi, Seungkwannie!" 

Sparing a quick glimpse at Vernon, as if the other boy could save him from his impending doom, he sends out a silent plea. The younger boy ignores him though, smothering his laughter at Seungkwan's childhood nickname. He exhales another long-suffering sigh.

"Yes, okay. Hi to the both of you too," Seungkwan says, voice laced with something along the lines of fondness and exasperation. "As I was saying, I have a very important announcement to make, and I'll be very grateful if everyone can stay quiet until I'm done."

"Go ahead, honey," his mom's voice says through the line, and Seungkwan releases a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

"Okay. Oh God. You guys remember Vernon, right? So... I'm kinda dating him right now?" he confesses, but it comes out more like a question, and now Seungkwan wants to drive his head against the wall.

His family's silent for a long moment, until all three of them start flying questions at him through the phone, and it takes nearly a full minute till Seungkwan's able to quiet them down.

"Wait, woah, hold up," he hears his sister, Sojeong, say. "Vernon? As in, that nice, cute kid you told us about, who you've clearly been crushing on for years now? You guys are dating?"

Seungkwan blushes at his sister's words, puffing out his cheeks in embarrassment. "Yes, him. Actually," he says, glimpsing back at Vernon himself, "he's here with me right now, and he's listening to literally every word you guys say."

Another array of questions are thrown at him, another minute taken to calm everyone down. 

"By any chance," his mom speaks up first, cautious. "Are the both of you living together now? Did he move into your dorm, Seungkwan?"

Even though he expected it, Seungkwan still finds himself grimacing at the question. "Hypothetically speaking," he starts out, just as careful. "What would you say if I said yes?"

"Well, then, I'd better hope you're both responsible enough to use protection."

Face flaring up at the response, Seungkwan hears both his sisters _and_ Vernon burst into unrestrained laughter, and he has to try his very hardest not to fling himself out the window at that moment. He rolls his eyes for what seems like the tenth time today, impatiently waiting for everyone to calm down. When Vernon's eyes meet his, Seungkwan shoots a scowl at him, only causing the other boy to fall into another fit of hysterics.

"Yes, very funny, mom. Are you guys done now?"

"Oh, I wasn't being funny, Seungkwan. I'm quite serious right now."

And before Seungkwan can react, or even register what's happening, he sees Vernon quickly grab his phone, holding it up to his mouth.

"Morning, ma'am," he greets cheekily, pushing aside Seungkwan's futile attempts to get ur back. "And company."

"Oh, hey, Vernon!" Seungkwan hears his other sister, Jinseol, exclaim, with as much enthusiasm as she greeted him, and Seungkwan hides the way his mouth curves into a smile. "How are you? How's dating my brother? He isn't being too much of a pest or anything, is he?"

Vernon lets out a tinkling laugh at this, while Seungkwan is left groaning into his hands, cheeks tinting pink. "I'm doing good," Vernon replies. "Especially so, ever since we started going out. And, dating Seungkwan is undoubtedly the bestest thing that happened to me." He says this with a grin, with Seungkwan's sisters literally _cooing_ in response, and Seungkwan thinks he might explode from how hot his cheeks feel.

"Although," Vernon adds with a twinkle in his eyes that makes Seungkwan dread his next words, "the only time he's being a pest is when he's hogging the single bathroom we have at urgent times, so most of the time I have to get something to pick at the lock."

Seungkwan hears his family's laughter ringing out loud and clear, eyes widening.

"Why would you tell them that?" he whisper-shouts, but all Vernon does is flash him a sweet smile. "What if they assume something?"

The other boy covers his phone's speaker with one hand, bringing the other up to his mouth, index finger pointed up as he shushes Seungkwan. Seungkwan glares at him, pretending to throw a punch at Vernon's face as he finally frees his phone from the younger boy's custody, but all Vernon does is roll away, clutching his stomach from laughing too hard.

"I am a bit surprised though," he hears his sister say once their laughter has died down. "Why would you choose him? You can do so much better than that."

Seungkwan gapes, feeling a twinge of hurt prick at his chest.

"But I love him. Noona, how could you say something like that when you know how much Vernon means to me?"

"Oh, it's you again?" his sister asks, and Seungkwan furrows his brows in confusion. "Sorry Kwannie, but I was talking to Vernon."

Cue another bout of laughter, another round of Seungkwan's ears reddening as he burrows his face in his hands.

"All jokes aside," his mom finally says, and Seungkwan can almost make out the wave of his mother's hand. "Thank you Vernon, for loving and choosing my son."

"Of course, ma'am," Vernon replies, a softer smile on his lips that plants butterflies in Seungkwan's stomach. "I'll never regret loving Seungkwan, although..."

He glances at Seungkwan with a teasing smile, grabbing for his hand before continuing. "You might see and hear from me much more often now, because I'm kinda already expecting to grow old with him."

Eyebrows shooting up in surprise, Seungkwan's jaw drops, hearing his family gasp as he stares at Vernon, but the other boy simply pecks him lightly on the cheek.

"I'm okay with that," his mom says with a little laugh. "Me and your sisters have a few things to get done today, so we'll get going now, okay?"

"Take care!" Vernon says, and Seungkwan finds himself chuckling softly at the other boy's antics.

"Bye, mom," Seungkwan adds into the phone. Once they've all said their goodbyes, he drops the phone. A lingering blush on his cheeks, he turns to stare at Vernon.

"What was that?" he asks, pointing to Vernon, then himself, as if trying to make sense of what the other boy had said. "You... want to grow old with me?"

Vernon blinks once, twice, until a shy smile slowly creeps up on his face. 

"Well... it's something that's been on my mind a lot lately," Vernon says, avoiding Seungkwan's gaze as he rubs on the nape of his neck. "You know, there's this Greek philosopher who once said that, in the beginning, every human had two faces, four arms, and four legs."

Seungkwan doesn't know where Vernon is going with this, but he motions for the other boy to continue. "Then one day, the king of the gods got mad at them, and he blasted his lightning bolts down the middle of every human's body so that they'd only have one face, two arms, and two legs. Which is why most of the time, we feel incomplete. It's said that people are still running all over the world, looking for their other half."

Vernon looks up, meeting Seungkwan's eyes. There's a pink hue on his cheeks, and Seungkwan's sure he doesn't look too different.

"My mom told me that around the same time I realized I preferred boys over girls. So I had thought, 'Where does that leave me?' And then- Then I met you, and developed a huge crush along the way, and-"

The tint on the other boy's face only continues to darken, and Seungkwan swears it's the most endearing thing he's ever seen. "Oh God," Vernon breathes out. "I'm rambling again, aren't I?"

"Oh, don't worry. I like it when you ramble."

Vernon snorts, his gaze drifting back to Seungkwan once more.

"I know you're my first, Kwan, and it's probably way too early to be saying stuff like this. But, the idea of growing old with you..." Vernon pauses, a soft smile planted on the corners of his lips. "I'd like that."

Seungkwan chews on his lip, hoping the grin on his face isn't as stupid as he thinks it looks. Trapping Vernon's cheeks in the palm of his hands, he flashes him a sideways smile, before kissing the other boy right smack in the middle of his lips.

He lets go all too soon, to spare Vernon the taste of his morning breath, but the other boy quickly pulls him back in. Seungkwan feels Vernon smile into the kiss.

They break away at the same time, the ever-growing smiles still on both their faces. Reaching up to pat at Vernon's hair, Seungkwan hums contentedly.

"Just so you know, I'd love to grow old with you too."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello !! thank you all for so much for leaving such sweet comments for this work, i really appreciate them all ❤️
> 
> and happy ramadan to all my muslim friends !! there's a bit of warnings for this chapter, pls see the notes at the end if you wanna know what they are :)
> 
> once again, i hope you guys enjoy this trainwreck jshdjdhjf

**Today; 11 March 2019**

That night, Seungkwan decides to skip dinner.

The absolute quiet is too painful, too deafening. It makes Seungkwan's head pound.

Where there used to be so much sound, the silence thrives, and no matter what Seungkwan does, it stays.

It's as if it lives in the gaps of his room, hidden between all those tiny crooks where it goes unnoticed by most. It sleeps in the empty space beside him, the pillow just a mere few centimeters away unwrinkled and neatly made, mocking him.

The others may be able to leave it there, but Seungkwan can't.

Once alone, he thinks something inside him breaks. He cries until his chest starts to hurt, surrendering to his emotions, the ghost of Vernon's lips kissing his own. It's not soft or sweet like he knows it to be; it feels more like broken shards, and it fills his mouth with the bitter taste of blood.

It's already been two weeks, yet Seungkwan still can't bring himself to visit, because visiting makes it real and he doesn't know if his heart can take the pain.

He knows the others have — he's heard it at times they thought he wasn't listening. 

And he _knows_ how unfair that is to Vernon, who loved him and made him beautiful and gathered up all his flawed bits like stained glass and pieced him complete in a way no one else has, but all Seungkwan can do is keep him locked in his thoughts, until nothing else is on his mind.

And so, very gently, he falls into a state of fragmented dreams and pricks of consciousness, only to dream of another face entirely.

**Then; 7 August 2018**

Seungkwan heaves another drawn-out sigh the second Vernon opens the door.

"Woah, hey." The younger boy chuckles softly, dropping his bag and walking over to peck Seungkwan on the cheek from where he's seated on the carpet. "I didn't do anything wrong, did I?"

Seungkwan continues to stare at nothing, before turning to the other boy in a sort of faraway daze. " _You_ didn't do anything wrong," he assures, once he realizes he's been quiet for too long.

When he doesn't say anything else after that, merely going back to staring out into some invisible abyss, he faintly sees the corner of Vernon's mouth twitch into a small frown. 

"Seungkwan," he whines, softly tugging at his arm. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, well. It's just-" Seungkwan starts, scowling slightly when he realizes he doesn't really _know_ how to start. Taking in a breath, he turns to look at Vernon, bringing his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. "There's these couple of projects I have to do for my sculpture class this semester. Four, to be exact. I have no idea if I can pull something like that off."

He looks up at the other boy to see Vernon's frown turn into a gentle smile. "Hey. It's okay. The semester just started, Seungkwan, you've got months. And, though it won't be of much good, I'll be more than happy to help with anything."

Seungkwan laughs a little at this, shaking his head. "It's not that simple, Vern. How well I do on these projects would go on my final grade. But-" He smiles, quickly sitting up and placing a clumsy kiss on Vernon's lips. "It _is_ kinda dumb of me to be freaking out about this on our first day. Let's pray I don't procrastinate too much."

Vernon flashes him a cheeky grin, until Seungkwan spots the way the younger boy's eyebrows furrow in thought. "Wait, Seungkwan. I wanna ask something."

"Yeah?"

"How'd you get so into art anyways? I just realized I've never asked you about this before."

"Oh." Seungkwan blinks in surprise, feeling his cheeks fleck a warm shade of pink. "It's kinda embarrassing and petty really," he starts with an ambiguous wave of a hand, "but I entered this calligraphy competition for fun when I was 8. I obviously lost, but I was so mad at the girl that won that I decided to seriously practice calligraphy, and I guess that's when I realized I really liked doing stuff with my hands."

He glances up for a fast second to catch Vernon's expression, only to be caught completely off guard when the other boy's face is flushed a light shade of red, a teasing smile on his lips that only seems to grow wider at Seungkwan's confusion.

"You like doing stuff with your hands?" he repeats, a smirk on his face that has absolutely no business of being there, because Seungkwan really has no idea what the other boy is going on about. That is, until Vernon continues to wiggle his eyebrows suggestively at him, and Seungkwan feels his face burn at the innuendo.

"Oh my God, _Vernon,_ " he complains, grabbing for a pillow on their couch and whacking the other boy mercilessly with it. "You're awful, you know that? Why would you say something like that?"

But all Vernon does is laugh, a ringing, boisterous sound that certainly doesn't help the blaze on Seungkwan's cheeks.

"It was the perfect opportunity!" Vernon exclaims, raising his hands up defensively. Seungkwan rolls his eyes, deliberately ignoring the frantic pounding of his heart.

Rolling his eyes fondly, he says, "You used to be so awkward back then. Like, when we learned about the reproductive system and all that back in seventh grade, you would get so flustered every time the teacher called on you to answer a question."

"What can I say? I'm a new person now."

Seungkwan chews on his lip, hesitating for a quick blink until he leans forward and presses a kiss on Vernon's lips. It's just for a quick second, but it makes everything so pretty and tender, and Seungkwan watches as the setting sun streams past their blinds and dances along Vernon's face. He feels his next words die somewhere in his throat.

Vernon blinks, gazing at him with a confused smile. "You're staring."

"Oh." Seungkwan swallows. "Sorry."

Seungkwan's sure he's blushing now, avoiding the other boy's gaze. He sees the gentle shake of Vernon's head, until he leans in into Seungkwan's line of sight, and Seungkwan spots the tiny frown tugging at Vernon's lips.

"Don't apologize for things you shouldn't be sorry for, Seungkwan," he's told firmly. Vernon inches closer then, warm hands on each knee of Seungkwan's crossed legs, until Seungkwan is backed against their couch and he has to remind himself to breathe.

Vernon doesn't say anything after that, but his eyes remain trained on Seungkwan's face, and Seungkwan feels the flush growing on his cheeks at the younger's gaze. 

"You're lucky it's you I'm in love with," he whispers, eyes on everything except the other boy in front of him. "If anyone else got this close to my personal space, I would have knocked their balls into next year."

Vernon smiles, blinks twice, and Seungkwan watches as the smile grows into an annoyingly endearing grin.

He expects Vernon to tease him again, but Seungkwan feels his breath stutter when the other boy presses his hands to his cheeks, kissing at his forehead before gazing at him again, and his smile is so gentle and his eyes so lovely and Seungkwan's suddenly glad he's sitting down, because he feels his knees turn to actual putty.

"Tell me, Seungkwan," Vernon says, his voice incredibly soft, and Seungkwan finds himself holding his breath in anticipation. It's stupid, he knows, and he begs his mind to function in the split-second Vernon's quiet. "How have you reached so far inside my heart?"

And Seungkwan finds himself faltering, and all of a sudden everything around him is painted gold and red and pink. Maybe it's the sun. Maybe he's going crazy. Either way, he feels his face flush and his heart stammer, and he thinks his lungs have stopped working.

He must have been silent for far too long trying to get his organs to function again, because Vernon sits back, offering him a tentative smile.

"Sorry," he says. "Was that too cheesy?"

Shaking his head frantically, Seungkwan mentally curses at himself for being so stupid.

"That's not it, Vern," he promises, finally meeting the boy's eyes. "It's just... I don't know how to respond to all the lovely things you tell me." And then in a softer voice: "I'm sorry."

"Oh, love, stop apologizing. It's cute seeing you all flustered anyway."

Another tint spreads on his cheeks, and Seungkwan is quick to get up from the floor, walking over to their cupboards.

"Where are you going?" Vernon whines, and Seungkwan huffs out a breath of fond exasperation.

"I'm making us dinner," he announces. "Because I need to give my heart a break from running so much at all the things you tell me."

Vernon giggles at this, the sound tinkling into Seungkwan's ears. The other boy must have realized he was being serious, because he reluctantly gets up and trudges over to him, plunking down onto their small table. 

They settle into comfortable silence for a short moment, with Seungkwan cooking up eggs and desperately trying not to let Vernon's stare on him faze him. 

"Oh, by the way, Kwan."

"Hm?"

"I talked to Junhui hyung earlier," Vernon says, and Seungkwan turns to see a bright smile on the other's face. _He's so pretty_ , Seungkwan thinks. No, he knows. It's a _fact_ that Vernon's pretty. 

He shakes away from his thoughts, tuning back in to what the younger is telling him."-And I'll be joining them again in dance practice starting tomorrow. I told you about the showcase coming up in September, right?"

Nodding, Seungkwan finds his lips curving softly at the younger's excitement. He finishes up with the eggs and rice, placing them into bowls as he motions for Vernon to continue.

While Seungkwan sets up the table and plops down from across the other boy, Vernon adds, "Actually, I'm not too sure if showcase is the proper term. It's basically this event where all the performing arts kids, like Soonyoung hyung and Chan, get to show what they've been working on during the first semester." He frowns. "It's a shame though, because our schedules and classes don't line up like they did before, and now I won't be seeing you as much."

Seungkwan squeezes his eyes shut as a fluttery laugh escapes him. "We literally live together, Vern. I'm sure that won't be much of a problem."

The other boy flashes him a smile, and then, in between bites of their food, Vernon says, "Ah, right, I haven't told you yet." When Seungkwan raises an eyebrow in confusion, he continues, Vernon's smile reaching his eyes. Seungkwan absolutely adores whenever that happens. "You know how I took an astronomy class this semester, right?"

Seungkwan nods again, swallowing down his food. "What about it?"

"Well," Vernon begins, and Seungkwan doesn't miss the pink hue blooming on the other boy's face as he suddenly pays way too much attention to his eggs. "My professor said there's gonna be a meteor shower in a few days, and he's expecting us to take notes as our first assignment. Do you-" He pauses, and Seungkwan feels his lips quirk upwards when he realizes what the younger's trying to say. "Do you wanna come with me? If you're free?"

Quickly biting back his grin, Seungkwan pointedly clears his throat. "I mean," he starts, a nonchalant wave of his hand. "I guess I could make some time for my boyfriend. Although, I don't think we can go on Friday. That day is off-limits."

Vernon pouts, and it's so cute. Seungkwan wants to kick him. "Why not?"

" _Because_ ," he replies, pointing at the other with his fork. "Seungcheol hyung will be having his 22nd birthday party that night. He booked a whole _bar_ for us. Invited nearly the whole student body too."

The younger boy's mouth falls open in understanding, before letting out a low, appreciative whistle. "He's really going all out this year, isn't he?"

"I can't blame him though." Seungkwan gulps down the last of his food, belching out a loud burp and watching in amusement at how Vernon doesn't even bat an eye at the action. He continues, saying, "We've all got classes on the 8th, and Cheol hyung was complaining in the groupchat earlier how he also had basketball practice that day. It's understandable how hyung would want to do something as big as-"

He's cut off by the sound of Vernon's fork clattering loudly onto their floor, his next words stuck in his throat as the other boy grabs at his hand, wincing in pain.

"Hey," Seungkwan says anxiously, brows furrowing in worry as he sits up so fast he almost gets whiplash. He crouches in front of Vernon, gently holding the other boy's thigh as he looks up at him. "What happened? Are you hurt?"

Vernon shakes his head, stretching out his hand. "I'm… okay," he promises, but the frown on Seungkwan's face remains. "My hand started cramping up. That's all."

"You've been having lots of cramps lately," Seungkwan points out, clearly troubled. But all Vernon does is offer him a small smile, leaning down and pecking him on the lips and practically leaving Seungkwan utterly dumbfounded.

"I'm okay," Vernon says once again, and Seungkwan sighs. "Really! I'm sure it's not a big deal. It's just a cramp, after all."

"But-"

Vernon kisses him again, a pretty twinkle in his eyes. "Enough of that. You're just stalling because it's your turn to wash the dishes, right?"

Seungkwan feels his jaw drop open, spluttering as he stares incredulously at the boy in front of him.

"You're shitting me right now, aren't you?" he asks, lightly punching Vernon in the arm. "I thought you were in pain!"

The younger boy yelps, before a huge smile begins to break out on his face. "I'd rather be fucking you, actually, but-"

"Okay, that's it. I'm not hearing any of this," Seungkwan declares, covering his ears in his hands as he walks away, praying for the fire in his cheeks to disappear

"Don't forget the dishes, sweetheart!" Vernon shouts, and for a brief moment, Seungkwan wonders how much more his heart could take before throwing himself at his boyfriend and kissing him speechless.

He's quick to pull away, hands hooked around Vernon's neck as he scans the dopey expression on the other boy's face. "What was that for?" Vernon asks, a sideway smile on his lips.

"To make you shut up. You're really cruel, you know?"

Vernon doesn't say anything, instead grabbing at the soft backs of Seungkwan's thighs, pulling him in until Seungkwan's left to balance on the chair, his knees on each side of Vernon's hips. The other boy holds him close — close enough for a surprised gasp to escape him before Seungkwan has time to stop it. And, it's definitely close enough for him to realize that perhaps this was the wrong move for his palpitating heart.

He waits, suddenly expectant, for Vernon's next move, but all the other boy does is stare. And Vernon continues to stare, until Seungkwan feels crimson creeping up his neck and up to his ears. He tries to get his lungs working again, squirming away from the younger's grasp.

"Stop that," he says under his breath, squeezing his eyes shut in hopes of jogging his mind onto a different track of thought. _Especially_ at the feeling of Vernon's warm hands soaking past his jeans and into his skin. He's way too close to the cusp of Seungkwan's rear, and Seungkwan's forced to pray away the hot shiver running down his body.

"Stop what?"

Seungkwan swallows thickly, glancing to the side. His eyes are downcast. It's barely a detail, but Vernon notices.

"Seungkwan," he coaxes gently, moving his head to meet Seungkwan's line of sight. "Stop what?"

"Stop looking at me like that."

Vernon tilts his head to the side in confusion, the same moment Seungkwan glimpses back at the other boy. Their gazes meet, and it's a little bit like magic — how Seungkwan feels sparks going off inside of him.

"Stop looking at you like what?" Vernon asks, his hands moving higher, higher, until lava nearly spreads on Seungkwan's face. "Like you're the prettiest thing I've ever seen?"

Seungkwan shakes his head. "That's not true. The world is huge, and there's millions of pretty people around us."

Vernon smiles at this, but it's sad, and Seungkwan hears the chair creaking under both their weights. He wonders why it sounds the tiniest bit like his heart.

  
  


**Today; 12 March 2019**

"-Seungkwan? Boo Seungkwan!"

Seungkwan jolts when a hand slams on his desk, flinching when paint starts to spill from it's containers and onto the wooden table. He glances up, swallowing down the lump in his throat when he meets his teacher's gaze.

"Sorry, ma'am. Can you repeat the question?" 

She heaves out a tired sigh, before gesturing to the room around her. "Aren't you going home? I'm certain this is your last class for today."

"Ah. Right." Seungkwan blinks, glancing around the now-empty art room. When did class end?

Apologizing once again, he starts to pack up his things, and is just about to get up and leave when his teacher lightly taps on his arm.

"Wait, Seungkwan," she calls. "Can I have a word with you for a moment?"

He nods, nervously darting his eyes around the room, and he hears his teacher let out another sigh.

"I don't want to keep you for too long," she starts gently. "But is everything alright?"

Shit. Feeling his heart climb painfully in his chest, Seungkwan chokes down a shaky breath. Once again, he nods, a smile plastered on his face. 

"I'm fine, ma'am." He isn't. "Thank you for the concern."

His teacher frowns, and Seungkwan tries to steady his breathing, tries to hide his trembling hands. "You haven't been yourself this past few months, Seungkwan. I assumed you were going through a slump, an art block of sorts, and I hoped you'd get better now that you're a sophomore. But it seems like that isn't the case."

She arches an eyebrow at him, but Seungkwan is quick to avoid her piercing gaze. When he doesn't reply, she continues, albeit a bit exasperated, and Seungkwan wonders if he's starting to strain her patience. 

"You're one of my best students, Seungkwan. Your paintings, your sketches... everything you've printed onto paper feels so genuine and _raw_ , and it's clear how much time you spend into each and every stroke. You're so bright too, always laughing and smiling and bickering with your friends, and I'd have kicked you out of this class long ago if I hadn't grown so fond over you."

Guilt twinges somewhere deep in his chest, and Seungkwan is quiet for a heartbeat until he looks up again. 

Bowing, he says, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I promise I'll do better."

His teacher reaches out, giving his shoulder a light squeeze. "I'm not asking you to do better, Seungkwan. I'm asking for you to be alright again. If you have any concerns, you can approach me. You know that much at least, right?"

And all Seungkwan can do is nod, biting on his lip so hard he draws blood. Everything is painful, and everything hurts, and Seungkwan isn't sure how much more he could take before he wilts, but once again he utters the words he's said so many times, he might actually start to believe it's true.

"I'll be fine, ma'am."

He walks out, clenching his fists until his knuckles turn white, barely registering the tears stinging at his eyes.

**Then; 10 August 2018**

Not for the first time in the last hour, Seungkwan begins to wonder what fork in the road led him to _this_ , and whether or not he can double back and take a sharp left. Preferably while dragging Vernon with him.

It all started rather calmly, actually. People steamed into the local bar like droplets of water, chatting and catching up with all their friends. Or so, Seungkwan's told. He and Vernon had joined in pretty late (and, no, contrary to what their friends say, it _wasn't_ because they were busy kissing until their lips grew sore) and at that point the bar was practically brimming with all these people Seungcheol had invited, the room a frenzied haze of blues and purples and greens. And Seungkwan thought, hey, maybe it's fine if he gets lost to the noise, the ecstasy.

Maybe it was then when it all got a little too wild.

And then, the lights went out. Seungkwan isn't all too sure who did it, but there's something about a party in a dark bar that makes people feel a little too reckless, a little too brave. He vaguely hears a voice somewhere up the front that sounds an awful lot like Seungcheol shout something like "Let's party!", and then the room was drowned by the blaring beats of a song Seungkwan didn't recognize. It was loud and distracting, and he found a confidence surging in him at the delirium of it all.

Soon enough, everyone had a glass in hand. Which is certainly surprising, considering there's over a hundred students in the bar. Seungkwan in particular, is now holding some sort of concoction Jihoon had mixed up, something fruity and sweet. He doesn't know if the older had made it because he knew how much of a lightweight Seungkwan is, but Seungkwan finds himself gulping down one glass after another.

Beside him, their arms intertwined, Vernon had grabbed onto a cup of what looks like rum and coke. It smells gross really, but the other boy seems to like it, so Seungkwan decides not to mind it too much

It feels nice walking around with Vernon, watching everything unfold into one great, big mistake. He's starting to feel tingly all over, and somewhere in the crevices of his mind, Seungkwan's sure he should stop dousing himself in all these drinks, but it _is_ a party, after all. He deserves this, he tells himself.

With Vernon still by his side, they wander around a bit more. Or, as much as they could with pretty girls and pretty boys grinding their bodies against each other all around them. Seungkwan spots Seungcheol, Jihoon, and Soonyoung lingering by the counter, although Seungcheol leaves soon after to do God knows what. 

And then he sees Soonyoung pin Jihoon against the cold marble, sees the way their lips smash, hungry and desperate, and _definitely_ sees the way Soonyoung's hands sneak down and grabs onto the younger's thighs. Seungkwan looks away after that.

His eyes land on Mingyu, the older boy looking like a goddamn skyscraper amidst everyone else. Seungkwan finds himself giggling at the imagery.

Mingyu, alongside what looks to be Seokmin, had started dancing drunkenly along to the music, swaying to the beat. Seungkwan chooses to leave them be, because the pair is probably one of the most annoying to deal with when they're drunk. They're like themselves, but multiplied by a dozen. His point was proven soon enough when Mingyu knocks down an entire table and a stack of drinks when the older boy rocks his hips a little too hard, causing the furniture to come crashing down. Seokmin's rationality must have crashed too, because Seungkwan watches the way the other starts to laugh hysterically at Mingyu on the floor, before breaking into tears when he sees a cut on the taller boy's hand.

From the corner of his eye, he sees Wonwoo chugging down one drink after another, while Jeonghan and Joshua and a few other juniors Seungkwan recognizes are doing shots as everyone around the little group cheered. Jeonghan pulls Joshua into a deep kiss right after, hands snaking up the other's shirt, and Seungkwan chooses to avert his gaze for his sake.

He catches Junhui and Minghao dancing on top of a table not far off to the right, and even in their drunken state, they _still_ manage to move in beautiful fluidity. It's unfair. Eventually, shirts and leather jackets come flying off, and Seungkwan goes off to get himself another drink.

Somewhere along the way, he realizes Vernon's absence. He's just about to look for him when he does a double take at the sight of an all too familiar face.

"Chan?" Seungkwan's voice comes out much tipsier than he expected it to, even though he's sure he didn't drink _that_ much. "What are you even doing here? You're underaged!"

The younger boy turns at the sound of his voice, a glass of what looks to be fruit punch in his hand.

"Oh, hey," he greets with a dopey smile, and Seungkwan feels a slight frown tug at his lips. "Don't worry about it, hyung. I'm taking it light." He winks.

Seungkwan leaves him alone at that.

He isn't sure how much time has passed, what with everything buzzing by in a blur as he barely registers where his feet takes him, but sometime after more dancing and even more drinking, he finds himself in the dim lighting of the pub's dingy toilet, washing his sweat-stained face.

"Seungkwan?"

Seungkwan turns at his name, squinting in the darkness until his eyes land on a figure leaning by the wall. 

"Vernon?" he asks, before making his way towards the other boy, stumbling in the process. Seungkwan feels his mind clear slightly, grabbing onto Vernon's face as he scans the taller boy. "Were you here the whole time? Are you feeling okay?"

It takes a moment, but Vernon finally nods. He gently removes Seungkwan's hands placed on his cheeks, squeezing them before letting go.

"I'm okay, Kwan." He raises an eyebrow, giving Seungkwan a once over before chuckling softly. "But I see that you're not. Just how much did you drink?"

Seungkwan pouts. "I didn't drink that much."

And then, ever so sweetly, Vernon says, "You're drunk, love."

"Drunk on you," Seungkwan blurts out, giggling right after. He throws his arms around Vernon's neck, bringing the other boy into a light kiss.

The kiss was supposed to last a second, and Seungkwan swears he didn't mean anything by it if it wasn't to delve into the sweetness of Vernon's lips once more and erase the lingering alcohol soaking his breath, but he feels the other's hands go down to his hips, pulling Seungkwan in as Vernon deepens the kiss.

And then Seungkwan is backed onto something hard, a hot spark of pleasure tingling down his body when he feels Vernon grip at the sensitive back of his thighs, lifting him up until he's sitting on what he realizes is the toilet sink, all while their lips are still connected.

Suddenly he finds himself being hyper-aware of everything at once, at the desperation in Vernon's hands as he brings Seungkwan's body impossibly close, at the bittersweet taste of Vernon's lips, at the way Vernon's hair is gloriously tousled and swept to the side and _God,_ he looks so gorgeous like this, Seungkwan has to pull away before he burns.

"Vernon, babe," he manages to get out, the ghost of the other boy's hands still clutching at his thighs, his hips, and Seungkwan has to try his very hardest to get his brain working again. "I love you, but I think I need some fresh air. I feel like I'm suffocating in here."

The younger's eyes seem to clear at this, an apologetic smile crossing his face. "Sorry, was I going too fast?"

Seungkwan gently pecks at Vernon's forehead, grinning sheepishly at the other. "A little bit."

They hold each other for a few more seconds, foreheads touching and fingers intertwined, and would probably have stayed like that for hours without noticing if some sophomore didn't come barging in, vomiting in a toilet bowl the second he got in.

"That's... probably our cue to go," Seungkwan whispers softly, and Vernon nods, grabbing onto his hand as they maneuver their way out the bar, dodging the hot, sweaty bodies dancing around them.

The summer air bites at his skin the second he's out, and Seungkwan finds himself shivering at the sudden cold. He feels exposed in the black pullover Minghao had picked out for him — it didn't seem like much, until Seungkwan tried it out and realized there were fashionably ripped holes placed strategically on the thin clothing: on his collarbones, his waist, and shoulders — and Seungkwan thought it was a little too much for his comfort. Minghao insisted though, until Seungkwan finally gave in to the fashion major's arguments. He found it quite nice in the end, especially with the dark, denim jeans Vernon gave him as a Christmas gift once upon a time, but now the chilly night wind had started pricking at the naked flesh and Seungkwan thinks he might die of hypothermia or something.

August _really_ has no right being this cold.

Vernon must have noticed his demise, because the other boy chuckles, taking off his denim jacket and putting it around Seungkwan's shoulders. He then latches on to his arm and lightly tugs him towards the pavement, plopping down and dragging Seungkwan with him. Seungkwan feels a pink tint spreading on his cheeks, praying it'd be too dark for Vernon to notice.

But Vernon notices. He always does, Seungkwan thinks with a sigh.

"You're blushing," the other boy points out cheekily, poking at his red cheeks. "You know Seungkwan, we've been dating for nearly a month now, but you s _till_ blush at all these tiny gestures. It's so cute."

"Shut up," he mumbles oh-so-menacingly, and then, a little louder, he says, "But, uh, thanks for the jacket. You sure you won't feel cold?"

Vernon shakes his head. "You can keep it if you want to. I swear, you look better in most of my clothes than I do."

Seungkwan laughs, embarrassingly loud too. He realizes he must have sobered up now, because he feels the embarrassment seep right into his core.

"By the way, Vernon," he says, turning to look at the other. "Why were you in the bathroom?"

The other boy makes a surprised little sound at the question, before swallowing, and Seungkwan forces himself not to stare. "Ah, well. It was too stuffy out there. Maybe parties aren't really my thing."

Humming in agreement at the response, Seungkwan brings Vernon's jacket tighter around him. "I guess I can't argue with that. Maybe parties aren't really my thing, either."

"Are you really saying that after gulping down 10 shots of tequila?"

Rolling his eyes, Seungkwan lightly smacks at the other boy's arm. "Shut it. I may or may not have gotten a tiny bit carried away, but that's beside the point."

"Then what _is_ the point?"

Seungkwan doesn't realize he's staring until Vernon clears his throat, pretty flecks of pink dusting his nose. "Seungkwan?"

"The point is," he finally says, leaning forward and smiling innocently up at the other boy, "we're probably terrible friends for ditching Seungcheol hyung's party."

"I'm sure he'll understand." But Vernon's looking away now, the pink on his cheeks blooming into a deeper shade of red, and Seungkwan mentally applauds himself for making the usually calm boy flustered.

They stay like that for a little while longer, huddled up in each other's warmth and enjoying each other's company as their jeans get dirtied by the grimy pavement, until Seungkwan feels Vernon tilt his head upwards, a stunned gasp escaping his lips, and suddenly the dark, midnight sky is much, _much_ brighter.

Seungkwan watches in dumbstruck amazement at the way glowing streaks of yellows and reds and blues start to illuminate the heavens above their heads, zipping into nowhere and everywhere all at once.

"It's the Perseids," Vernon breathes out, awestruck, and Seungkwan can nearly make out the cluster of stars and constellations in the other boy's eyes. 

Although, he isn't as smart as the younger when it comes to this sort of stuff, and Vernon smiles at the confusion on his face. "Perseids are meteor showers shown in August. They usually reach its peak somewhere between the 9th and the 13th." Vernon inhales in a shuddering breath, pulling out his phone with trembling hands as he snaps a few pictures. "It's so pretty, isn't it? I didn't expect it to happen today — it feels like it came straight out of an anime scene."

Seungkwan nods, vaguely discerning the way his mouth hangs open as his eyes widen at the sight, taking in the brilliant pinpricks of color speckling the sky. 

He feels Vernon reach out for his hand, squeezing it gently. "It's kinda sad how our friends are too busy getting wasted to see something so beautiful," he says softly, letting out a small sigh.

Seungkwan glances at him, and then at the dim, empty parking lot around them, before looking back up at the painted sky as a sheepish smile curves on his face. 

"Yeah," he agrees quietly, a faint blush tinting his cheeks at the thought of his next words. "But... it also kinda feels like the universe reserved this just for us, don't you think?

Seungkwan doesn't dare look back at the other boy once the words leave his mouth, but he can just _feel_ Vernon burning holes into his body with his stare. And then Vernon laughs, soft and sweet, and Seungkwan's heart does that really annoying thing where it throbs so fast and so hard he feels his ribs start to bruise.

And then he sees Vernon point at a particular group of stars in the sky, amidst the dozens of falling meteoroids shooting through the atmosphere.

"Do you see those stars over there?" he asks, and Seungkwan tries to follow his gaze. "That constellation is called Sagitta." Vernon turns to him a lopsided smile. "Shua hyung took an astronomy class before too, and I honestly didn't get why he was so caught up in it. But now... " 

He trails off, his breath catching in his throat. "It's so breathtaking to look at, isn't it?"

"That one over there?" he asks, and Vernon nods. Seungkwan hums in thought, before declaring after much deliberation, "That kinda looks like a dick."

Seungkwan turns his head to see the other boy's jaw drop open at the comment, mouth finding the right words to say, until he gives up and an endearing laugh rips itself from Vernon's throat

And all Seungkwan can do is stare, not at the sky, but at Vernon beside him, beautifully flushed with happiness, his eyes brighter than all the shooting stars in the sky. Seungkwan wonders if Vernon knows he looks at the other boy like that, as if Vernon is the most lovely thing in Seungkwan's little orbit.

Sighing happily, he averts his gaze skywards once more. Vernon continues to point at the stars, and Seungkwan listens to his voice, barely reaching a whisper. 

"I've never seen a star so close before," Vernon tells him, and Seungkwan feels a tiny smile creep up on his face when the taller boy huffs out a small breath.

He continues to stare at the sky, quick to hide his ever-growing smile on his face. He clears his throat.

"Yeah, well... I have."

Seungkwan doesn't even need to turn to know Vernon's eyebrows are shooting up and into next week. The thought makes him feel ridiculously happy.

"You have?"

"Yep," Seungkwan replies, finally looking at the other boy and meeting Vernon's surprised gaze. "You, Hansol Vernon Chwe, is the brightest star in my galaxy. Nothing will _ever_ change that."

Maybe he isn't as sober as he thought, because he isn't sure where this sudden pulse of confidence comes from. If anyone asks, he'll continue to blame it on the alcohol.

He watches the way the blush spreads on Vernon's cheeks, the pink tint evident even in the darkness. He watches the way Vernon stutters, tripping over his words, and he most certainly watches the way Vernon gives up on trying to speak, his embarrassed smile reaching his eyes.

"Goddamnit, Seungkwan," he hears Vernon whisper, letting out a breathy laugh as he runs a shaky hand through his hair. "You can't just _say_ things like that so easily. It's not good for my heart."

And Seungkwan finds himself grinning uncontrollably so, humming contentedly as he watches the stars fall through the sky, Vernon's fingers laced with his own.

"Hey, Vern," he says, after a moment. "Should we go back inside? Our friends are probably wondering where we are by now."

Vernon inches closer then, his hands circling around Seungkwan's waist, and Seungkwan feels way too many butterflies in his stomach for it to be healthy.

"Honestly? They're probably too far gone to realize we've left already. And... I'd rather stay out here with you," he says quietly, and Seungkwan feels himself leaning into Vernon's touch, fluttering his eyes shut as the other boy plants a gentle kiss on his forehead.

And then Vernon's gaze flickers from his eyes to his lips, a deep blush flowering on Seungkwan's cheeks when it stays there. His throat seizes up.

"Vernon?" 

"Hm?"

"Kiss me please?"

And Seungkwan thinks it's beautiful, how Vernon just _does_ it, their lips meeting in the middle, the sky forgotten. It's so sweet and gentle, and a soft whimper leaves Seungkwan's lips when Vernon presses color into his exposed skin, painting his body with shades of cherries and crimson.

Their kisses soon turn into something much more heated after that, with Vernon kissing him with such want and need that Seungkwan feels wild tremors jolting down his spine. His veins throb and his heart explode. _More._

And then he feels the tentative sweep of Vernon's tongue.

It's as if light bursts behind Seungkwan's closed eyes. It’s his body melting, or his world ending, or maybe they've both been hit by one out of dozens of meteors buzzing through the sky, and Seungkwan's given one last perfect moment before his organs give up on him.

But Vernon pulls away much too soon, and Seungkwan finds himself immediately missing the warmth. They're both gasping for air now, until their eyes meet and they're quiet for a quick heartbeat, before bursting out into loud, breathless laughter.

"Why are you laughing?" Seungkwan demands in between uncontrollable giggles, attempting a glower at the other boy. "Was I that terrible?"

"No, it's not that," Vernon promises, clearing his throat as his snickers die down. "It's just… It's kinda weird how, just a month ago, I could only _dream_ of kissing you like this, all these little fantasies I'd have of the both of us locked up in my head and-"

"Fantasies?" Seungkwan cuts in, blushing pink. Seeing how Vernon's face reddens drastically at this, he bats his eyelashes innocently up at the younger boy, offering a sweet smile. "You fantasize about me, Vern?"

"Oh God." Vernon groans, burying his face in his hands. "Nevermind. Forget I said anything."

"Aw, come on," Seungkwan prods, gently removing the younger's hands from his face, delighting in the way his cheeks color a lovely shade of red. He bites back the smirk growing on his face. "What fantasies, Vernon? Do you fantasize about me all tied up, naked and gasping and-"

"Seungkwan!" A treacherous flush spreads on Vernon's face then, and Seungkwan prays he doesn't look the same. "I- How- What's gotten into you?"

"That's supposed to be _my_ line, sweetheart."

Vernon huffs out a breath, puffing out his cheeks in exasperation. "You're unbelievable."

"Maybe so," Seungkwan says, reaching up to run a hand through the other boy's hair. "But I'm also very much in love with you. You know that, right?"

A tiny smile crosses the other boy's face. "Maybe so," he copies, with a slight, nonchalant shrug of his shoulders. Seungkwan finds himself snorting at the gesture. "It'd be nice if you could remind me a couple more times." 

And Seungkwan _really_ isn't sure what comes over him then, but he glances at the other boy for a long second, letting the threatening smile show on his face. 

"Okay then." He stands up, cupping his hands by his mouth in a makeshift megaphone. "I love Vernon!" he yells into the stranded parking lot, the cars, the sky, the street lights — anything that would listen. He glimpses back at the younger to see Vernon wearing the prettiest, widest smile, and he continues. "I love Vernon so, so much and sometimes I-"

"Hey!" Seungkwan jumps at the sudden shout, looking around until his eyes land on a middle-aged man on a dimly lit balcony in the apartment across from him, pointing an accusing finger at the both of them. "Fucking kids, it's 1 in the fucking morning! You fags have a death wish?"

Seungkwan feels the tug on his arm behind the red seering through his eyes in anger, and is just about to ignore it when he hears the hint of urgency laced in Vernon's voice as the other boy drags him farther away. "Seungkwan, let's go now." And then in a softer, more angrier voice: "God, what a jerk."

And it's only when they've walked a few metres, a safe distance away, does Seungkwan stop dead in his tracks. 

"What's wrong?" he hears Vernon ask, but all Seungkwan does is release a prolonged breath.

"Mingyu and Wonwoo hyung were supposed to drive us home," he answers with a sigh, kicking at a stray pebble on the sidewalk. "I _really_ don't wanna walk all the way back to our dorms. Too lazy."

"I could carry you," Vernon offers, and Seungkwan isn't even sure if he's being serious or not. He shakes his head.

"It's okay. You'd probably be bedridden for a week if you did that. I'm heavy, remember?"

He said it jokingly if anything, but Seungkwan still senses the other boy frown, reaching out to him until their arms are intertwined and their footsteps are in sync. "I don't think that," Vernon says stubbornly. "And I'm pretty strong, in case you've forgotten."

Seungkwan scoffs, but it's more fond than arrogant really. "Says the guy who lost every arm wrestling match he's been in back in high school."

"That was eighth grade!" Vernon complains. "I've changed, haven't I?"

He hums in thought, just to tease the other boy, before reaching up to peck Vernon on the cheek. "Of course you've changed. For one thing, you're _much_ more clumsier now." Seungkwan narrows his eyes at the younger, wagging a finger at him. "Don't think I haven't noticed you dropping our plates and knocking down our shampoo bottles in the shower."

"Oops," is all Vernon says as he sports a cheeky grin, and Seungkwan lets his laughter fill the empty air.

And then their lips find each other in the dark, short and sweet and simple. It's beautiful, Seungkwan thinks to himself.

And he's still thinking this when they finally arrive at their dorm, kicking off their shoes and stripping off their clothes, and Seungkwan spends the rest of the night somewhere between a state of consciousness and sleep, Vernon's touch slung around his waist bleeding into his skin.

Beautiful, he thinks again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings : underage drinking, homophobic language (both are very slight, but still better safe than sorry :))
> 
> pls leave kudos if you enjoyed !! i'll be posting the next chapter in a few days, stay safe everyone !


	6. Chapter 6

**Today; 13 March 2019**

The first time Seungkwan comes around, he hears voices.

He groans, the throbbing in his head increasing by tenfold when he stirs. The conversation around him comes to a stop, and suddenly there's hands gently gripping his wrists, or pressing against his forehead.

"Seungkwan?" He feels a shadow looming over him. "How are you feeling?"

"Shua hyung?" he mumbles, fluttering his eyes open as he tries to gather his bearings. "What- Where am I?"

The room he's in is white, painfully white, the blankness and brightness of it all seering into his eyes. He tries to prop himself up, but there's all these strange wires attached to his arms, and doing so only caused a sharp pang of pain to shoot behind his eyelids.

"Don't get up, Seungkwan," Joshua warns softly, a worried expression plastered on his face. The older boy helps him lie back down, and Seungkwan has to squeeze his eyes shut at the pressure on his skull, trying desperately to get his breathing under control.

There's a frantic knocking on the door that sounds an awful lot like the pounding in his head. He vaguely sees Jeonghan barge in when the door hasn't been opened immediately, with Joshua calming the other down as they talk in hushed conversations. 

They're worried about _h_ _im_ , he realizes.

It's starting to get suffocating now, how he burdens his friends, how they're too kind to just leave him be.

Seungkwan is so tired of this.

The next time he wakes up, there's a soft pressure on his forehead unlike the one absolutely crushing his head. The pain has lessened now, almost bearable even.

He slowly flits his eyes open, greeted with an all too familiar sight of Mingyu's anxious frown twitching into a soft smile when he realizes he's awake.

"How do you feel?" he asks quietly, continuing to press a warm, damp cloth on Seungkwan's forehead, and Seungkwan has to force himself to keep his head on his pillow, to not tilt it upwards and lean into Mingyu's touch.

Seungkwan exhales a breath, swallowing the dryness in his throat. "Better than before," he says, voice coming out in a croak, and he has to try not to wince.

Mingyu heaves an audible sigh of relief. "That's good. I'll go get the nurse now, okay? Tell her you're awake and everything."

He gets up from his chair, only to be stopped by the grip of Seungkwan's hand on his wrist. "Wait," Seungkwan breathes out, cursing himself for the tears pricking his eyes. "What happened? Why am I here?"

He doesn't miss the way Mingyu hesitates, before slowly sitting back down. "You passed out in your painting class today," he explains, voice soft. He won't meet Seungkwan's eyes. "That was around 10 in the morning. It's almost 8 pm now."

The older boy sucks in an unstable breath. "One of your classmates took you to the clinic. We found out eventually, and went to see if you were okay, but by then it had already been three hours since you fainted and you still weren't waking up, so the nurse said it'd be better for you to go to a hospital and-" he gestures around with his hands, a wan smile on his face, "-here we are now."

Seungkwan blinks, a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth. He's just about to ask something else when the door swings open, revealing some doctor in a generic white lab coat, and suddenly Seungkwan is taken back to the ICU, Vernon fighting to breathe again, the other's weakening grip on his hand finally going slack-

"-Seungkwan?"

Shaking his head, he heaves in a trembling breath as he blinks back another bout of tears. "Sorry," he says shakily, pointedly deciding to look at Mingyu and not at that doctor with his stupid clipboard and his goddamn medicines in that goddamn plastic bag. "What were you saying?"

"Dr. Lee was just asking you how you're feeling," Mingyu answers carefully, and he _still_ isn't looking back at Seungkwan, and Seungkwan can't help but wonder what burdensome thing he did for the older boy to be acting this way. 

Seungkwan nods his head, hoping it's an answer enough. "I'm… okay," he says, but even to him it doesn't sound convincing. "Mostly." 

"You fainted due to exhaustion," the doctor tells him, skimming through whatever notes he's got on paper. "You also display signs of a heavy migraine, and-" he taps at his clipboard, and Seungkwan finds himself glaring before he can stop himself. "It also seems like you haven't been eating much."

With that final statement, the doctor turns to Mingyu, completely disregarding Seungkwan as he flashes the taller boy a strained smile. "He's good to go home now. All he needs is some Advil, a proper meal, and plenty of rest, and he'll be fine by tomorrow."

Mingyu bows, a complete 90 degree one at that, and Seungkwan has to fight the growing urge to yell at him to straighten his back. Mingyu thanks the doctor, helping Seungkwan get up as he carries his bag for him, and just like that they're outside, the glinting crescent moon high above their heads.

The older boy exhales a relieved sigh, dragging the both of them to a nearby bench, gently helping Seungkwan sit back down.

Mingyu's treating him like he's glass, like he's terribly fragile and might break apart if held too tightly, and Seungkwan wants to scream at him.

As if the other boy could sense his thoughts, Mingyu turns to glance at him, definitely about to say something more. But then Mingyu looks away again after a brief second, clearing his throat uncomfortably. He pulls out something from his pocket instead. His phone, Seungkwan realizes. Mingyu's lockscreen looks a lot like Wonwoo.

Seungkwan tries not to let the indescribable sting in his chest bother him too much.

"I just texted Wonwoo," Mingyu tells him, a smile on his face as he looks down at his screen, fingers flying over his keyboard. "He'll be here to drive us back to our dorms in around-" he squints, " -20 minutes or so."

Seungkwan makes a vague hum somewhere in the back of his throat to let Mingyu know he's heard him. The taller boy looks at him then, as in _really_ looks at him, a hesitant smile pulling on his lips.

"Do you wanna grab something to eat?" Mingyu asks, pocketing his phone once more. "I'll pay."

And Seungkwan's stomach chooses to grumble obnoxiously at that exact moment. Embarrassment courses his cheeks, even more so when the older boy lets out a bubbling laugh.

"I'll take that as a yes." Mingyu helps him up, offering Seungkwan a slight smile. "Come on. I know a great place."

**Then; 12 August 2018**

"So… is there a special reason for you to have wanted to meet up with me or something?"

Seungkwan glares at the boy in front of him, putting a hand on his chest in mock offense, but it's all soft fond edges, and he certainly can't help the smile spreading on his face.

"Is it so wrong to want to hang out with one of my bestest friends for a few hours?" he asks, and Seokmin rolls his eyes affectionately.

"It's not wrong," the older boy says, pausing to take a sip out of his caramel latte, the both of them eating out in a nearby café. "But it's weird."

Seungkwan frowns, genuinely curious. "How so?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?"

Seokmin throws up his hands defensively at the scowl Seungkwan flashes at him, letting out a tiny laugh. "Ever since you and Vernon started going out," he starts, and Seungkwan finds himself inching closer, nearly toppling over his iced Americano, "You've both been attached to the hip. I mean, even more than before. Actually… " He throws Seungkwan a pointed look. "Why aren't you with him now?"

Seungkwan takes a long, deliberate sip from his drink, sighing contentedly when he's finished. He points his straw at the older boy. "Vernon's practicing right now. With Soonyoung and Chan and everyone for this showcase coming up next month. You've heard of it, haven't you?"

"Not only have i heard of it," Seokmin says, nearly blinding Seungkwan with the bright smile he's got on his face, "I'm _in_ it. And so is Jihoon, Jeonghan, and Shua hyung."

Seungkwan feels his eyes widen. "Jihoon hyung, I can understand, since he majors in music and songwriting. Shua too, because he takes theatre and all that. But Jeonghan hyung? He majors in commercial and advertising art, doesn't he? Isn't the whole event for performing arts majors exclusively?" 

The other boy shakes his head, furrowing his brows at the questions Seungkwan shoots at him. "Other majors could join too if they wanted to. It doesn't matter, really, as long as you wanna show something," he explains. "Like, Jun hyung majors in drama and acting, and Minghao hyung is a fashion design major, but they'll both be dancing right? So it's like that, I guess. Shua hyung majors in theatre, but he's gonna be singing this duet with Jeonghan hyung." 

Seokmin grins another dazzling smile, and Seungkwan has to try not to squint. The older boy continues, saying, "I've heard them practice. Jihoon hyung wrote it, and I never knew how good they were until I heard them singing together." 

Curious, Seungkwan asks, "What's the song called?"

"'Falling for you'," Seokmin replies, and Seungkwan feels a smile growing on his face.

"Sounds fitting," he says with a little laugh. "Especially considering how the both of them have been pining over each other for a millennia."

"You're one to talk," the older boy says with a cheeky grin, and Seungkwan fakes throwing a punch at him.

He pauses for a bit, before looking up at Seokmin once more. "What about you? Will you sing a song too?"

"Just how many questions do you have?"

Seungkwan rolls his eyes, but there's the hint of an affectionate smile on his face and they both know he means no malice in the gesture. "Humor me," he says, and Seokmin heaves an amused sigh.

"I'm not sure, actually," Seokmin admits, rubbing at the nape of his neck sheepishly. "Jihoon hyung offered a lot of songs for me to sing, but they all seem like songs for multiple people to sing. I don't know if I'll do well enough."

" _Hyung_." Seungkwan slams his hands flat down on the table, staring at the other boy. "You're literally the best vocalist in this whole goddamn college, the best in your department. Don't give me that."

A tentative smile quirks on Seokmin's lips. "You think so?"

"I _know_ so."

Seokmin bites his lip at this, clearly trying to smother up his growing grin. "Well… " he begins, and Seungkwan mentally praises himself for complimenting the other boy. "Jihoon hyung wrote this one song called 'Say Yes', and I think- I think I'll choose that for the showcase."

"Good," Seungkwan says firmly, leaning back into his chair and nodding his head. "Do you know who else is gonna join too?"

The older boy stares at him in response, eyes widening. "Are you saying this because you want-"

But Seungkwan is quick to shake his head, cutting Seokmin off. "I don't want to join, if that's what you think." He spares the other boy a sideways smile. "Entertaining, I can do, but performing isn't really my forte."

Seokmin nods understandingly at this, humming in thought at his question. "In our group of friends… I mentioned Jihoon hyung, right?" Seungkwan nods, and the other boy continues. "He's still debating whether he should dance or sing, from what he's told me so far. Although, Mingyu said he's going to join. Already picked out a song and everything."

" _Mingyu_ hyung?" Seungkwan asks in surprise, leaning forward. "He's gonna sing?"

Seokmin lets out a quick burst of laughter, probably from the expression Seungkwan's got on his face. "I was surprised too. But, I've heard him with Jihoon and Wonwoo hyung when he was practicing and-" he whistles appreciatively, absentmindedly playing with the straw of his drink, "he's really good."

"Huh." Seungkwan nods in slow contemplation, before clasping his hands together. "That's something I've _got_ to see. Do you have the date yet?"

"Not yet," Seokmin replies, a small sigh escaping his lips. "What about Vernon? Has he told you anything about what he and Soonyoung hyung and the rest will dance to?"

Seungkwan shakes his head. "They're still planning the whole choreography and everything. I haven't asked what song they're gonna dance to yet."

The older boy is quiet for a moment — which made Seungkwan worry a bit, since Seokmin is rarely ever quiet — until he meets Seungkwan's gaze again, an unreadable expression on his face.

"Are you happy with him?"

Seungkwan pauses, brows furrowing. "What?"

"Vernon," Seokmin tells him. "Are you happy with him?"

"I-" Seungkwan feels a blush tint his cheeks, quickly averting his eyes for a second before meeting the older boy's stare once again. He takes in a sharp inhale. "Yes," he says, a bit breathlessly, feeling a small smile curve on his lips. "I'm happy with him." 

The grin on Seokmin's face returns, as if it had never disappeared in the first place. "That's good then," Seokmin says happily, his head doing a single, final nod. "I'm glad you guys got together after circling each other for so long."

"What the… " Seungkwan narrows his eyes at the other boy suspiciously, but the tiny smile on his face betrays the action. "What's with the sudden sappiness?"

Seungkwan expects the other boy to snort, or to tease him in some way. only for a soft smile to bloom on Seokmin's face. 

"I mean it, Seungkwan. You guys deserve to be happy together."

**Today; 13 March 2019**

"When you said you know a great place," Seungkwan starts, turning to stare at Mingyu with a single, raised eyebrow, "I thought you meant like, a nice restaurant or something."

The older boy laughs, though there's a guilty expression hanging on his face. "My bad," he says apologetically, offering Seungkwan a sheepish smile. "It's probably not ideal to treat someone to McDonald's right after they got out of the hospital, huh?"

Seungkwan doesn't respond, instead looking around the tiny red and yellow diner as they wait for their order, the scent of grease and cooking oil wafting it's way through his nose. He's suddenly taken back to a better, happier time, fragments of memories leaping out into the open from different corners of the room, all soft, exchanged smiles and interlocked hands.

"Vernon and I used to come here often," he muses softly, more to himself than Mingyu across from him. "Both of us were absolutely terrible at cooking decent meals, so we'd usually order takeout from here specifically."

He points to a table somewhere down the left of them, Mingyu's eyes slowly following his gaze. "We sat over there on our third proper date, after Vernon came home from a certain tiring dance practice," Seungkwan looks up at the older boy, hating how it's already too late to hide the tears dripping down his face. "It's stupid, isn't it? How I remember all these things, when Vernon isn't even here to remember it with me."

Seungkwan laughs; but it's bitter and soft, and he absolutely hates himself for acting so pathetic. He brings his gaze downcast, barely registering the way their server brings their food, but now he barely has an appetite. Everything is just too much and too little at the same time, and Seungkwan doesn't know what to do with himself.

Mingyu stays quiet, but Seungkwan catches the slight, quiet sniffle coming from the older boy. He feels his heart turn numb, but it still hurts and hurts and hurts but he doesn't know how to make it stop.

"Eat up, Seungkwan. The food's getting cold," Mingyu finally says, wiping the tears from his eyes as he sucks in a stuttering breath. "Wonwoo will be here soon, okay?"

And Seungkwan doesn't know how to respond to that, because a huge, terrible part of him wants to push all his friends away, to run and run until they're miles and miles apart. He wants to yell, and scream, and throw things if that would make them leave him alone, because he's just so _done_ with being such a bother to everyone. 

The recognition of it makes the air in his lungs turn stale.

Yeah.

Seungkwan really is tired of all this.

**Then; 14 August 2018**

It's nearing 9 in the evening when Vernon finally reaches their dorm, sighing tiredly as he plops his bags down onto the floor.

"Hey," Seungkwan greets with a little wave of his hand, smiling up at the other boy from the couch. "How was practice?"

"Absolutely brutal." Vernon groans, plunking himself down beside Seungkwan and draping his arms heavily around his waist, the younger boy burying his face in Seungkwan's midriff. Seungkwan prays the blush flowering on his cheek isn't as obvious as he feels it is. "Soonyoung hyung really isn't going easy on us just because we're his friends. I think my thighs have been murdered."

Seungkwan laughs a little at this, gently cupping Vernon's face so that their gazes meet. "Come on, Vern. It couldn't have been that bad, right?"

Vernon stares at him in response, raising a single, arched eyebrow. "He literally busted out a protractor at one point to make sure our dance angles are all accurate," he says with a pout, and Seungkwan is left having to resist the growing urge to kiss Vernon right there and then.

Continuing, the other boy says, "You won't believe how hard the choreography for this song is, Kwan. Like, we've all helped Soonyoung hyung in sorting out the formations and moves and everything, but we've only done less than a thirty seconds of the song so far." Vernon sighs, and Seungkwan is quick to bite back a smile as he leans in to lightly peck the other boy's temple. 

"You said your thighs are sore, right?" he asks, a slight tilt in his head as he shifts his position a bit, so that he's sitting down, Vernon's body slung over his.

"Not just sore, Seungkwan. _Murdered_ ," Vernon repeats, and Seungkwan shakes his head fondly at the exaggeration. "Not just that, but my shoulders hurts too, and my waist. I doubt I'll be able to walk tomorrow."

Seungkwan lets out something between a sigh and a chuckle, before wordlessly getting up and sauntering over to their bathroom.

"Did you really just leave me?" Vernon complains, reluctantly sitting up. Seungkwan finds himself rolling his eyes, puffing out his cheeks as he grabs a towel and a basin full of warm water.

"And," the other boy adds, his voice louder than before, "Don't you dare roll your eyes at me. I can just _feel_ you rolling your eyes."

Seungkwan pokes his head out from the bathroom, sticking his tongue out childishly at his boyfriend. "Go lay down on our bed," he instructs, disappearing back into the toilet before Vernon can say anything else.

He hears movement from the living room, and Seungkwan peeks out for a second to see Vernon shuffling clumsily towards their bed, wincing with every step he takes. Seungkwan feels a tiny sigh escape him.

He continues to watch as the other boy takes out a clean shirt and a pair of shorts from their shared closet, changing into those before propping himself up on their bed, and Seungkwan finds himself staring at the hints of exposed skin. He shifts his gaze before the other boy can catch him.

"Now what?" Vernon asks, gazing lazily up their ceiling. "You're not plotting my murder or anything in there, are you?"

"Of course not," Seungkwan yells, gathering up the things he's collected. "I'm too in love with you to kill you just like that." He walks out from the toilet, meeting the other boy's eyes. "Plus, if I'd have wanted to kill you, I would have done so a long time ago."

Vernon stares at him sceptically. "I'm not sure if that reassures me."

Seungkwan laughs, almost missing the tiny grin growing on Vernon's face, before a confused expression crosses his face when the other boy sees what he's got in hand.

"What's that for?" he asks, and Seungkwan simply spares him a slight smile.

He perches down on the edge of the bed, looking up at Vernon who's leaning against the headboard. Seungkwan sets the basin down.

"Give me your leg," he directs.

"Excuse me?"

"Your leg," Seungkwan repeats, patting his lap. When Vernon merely blinks up at him, Seungkwan sighs a light exhale, gently grabbing the other boy by the knee and placing the limb on top of his thighs. He pointedly ignores the tiny yelp that tumbles from Vernon's lips.

"Seungkwan, what are you-"

"Okay, now take off your shorts."

" _Excuse_ me?"

A small frown pulls at Seungkwan's lips. "Actually, nevermind, your shorts are already short enough. Here, let me just-" He pauses, leaning forward as his hands find the hem of Vernon's clothing, bunching up the fabric until it's up to the other boy's crotch. All too vividly, he sees the bright flush spreading on Vernon's face, and Seungkwan's sure he doesn't look too different.

"You know Seungkwan," Vernon starts slowly, eyeing him in a way that makes his heart flare up. "If you had like, a thigh fetish or something, you could have just said so."

"I do _not_ have a-" Seungkwan stops, heaving a sharp inhale through his nose as he desperately tries to will away the redness in his cheeks. "Just... stay still, okay? I've read somewhere that massages are good for sore muscles."

"Oh." He sees Vernon start to relax against the headboard, the slightest tension visibly disappearing from his shoulders. Seungkwan grabs for the towel then, dipping it into the basin and wringing the water out. He slowly places the towel on Vernon's right leg, just a mere few centimeters below his crotch, and Seungkwan has to try very, _very_ hard not to openly stare at the bare skin of Vernon's thigh. He clears his throat.

Seungkwan has his hands hovering above the delicate skin, and he wonders for a split-second if his heart is brave enough to do something like this without malfunctioning wildly in his chest. That is, until he decides to stop overthinking the whole thing, his fingers careful as they begin to gently knead into the softly defined muscle.

He looks up to see Vernon's eyes on his hands, watching him intently. Vernon swallows, his breaths turning unsteady.

It sends a shudder down Seungkwan's spine.

He snaps his eyes back down, calloused fingers charting the tender spread of Vernon's skin. Seungkwan thinks he's doing a pretty good job of deliberately paying absolutely no attention to the way his face feels suspiciously like magma, until Vernon makes a sound deep in his throat that sounds an awful lot like a moan, and it nearly drives Seungkwan over the edge.

"You're enjoying this way too much, aren't you?" he manages to ask, after gathering up every bit of conviction to speak actual, proper words. His hands have now found the sensitive map of the innermost part of Vernon's thighs, threading and massaging against the soft tendon. Seungkwan feels something in his stomach burn at the tiny sounds and whimpers ripping itself out of the younger's throat.

Vernon huffs out a shaky laugh. He throws his head back against the headboard, and Seungkwan has to use every ounce of his wavering willpower to not stare at the gentle dip of the other boy's neck. 

"I should be the one asking _you_ that," Vernon says, throwing him a pointed look. "This is all just some excuse to feel me up, isn't it?"

"Keep talking and I'll break up with you," Seungkwan grumbles. His hands dig harder into the other boy's leg then, and he smiles in satisfaction at the yelp that escapes Vernon's lips. 

He continues thumbing down on the other boy's skin, fingers working to undo the tightness in the muscle. He feels Vernon's insistent stare on him, the younger rambling about how Seungkwan _wouldn't_ break up with him. Or, something to that extent. Seungkwan's too busy putting all his focus in fighting the increasing desire to press his lips against the tender skin of Vernon's inner thigh.

God, save him.

"Next leg, please," he tells the other boy after a few more seconds, mentally complimenting himself for keeping his voice steady. The bed dips under the both of them as Vernon shifts his position, propping his left leg up on Seungkwan's lap.

Seungkwan sucks in a silent breath, knowing full well going through another round of his hands on Vernon's bare thigh will do nothing but make his organs malfunction terribly.. But, he's an absolute fool, and he goes for it anyway.

He continues, massaging the sensitive flesh in a similar manner, a chill zipping down his back when a low hum of pleasure spills from Vernon's lips. Things go a bit blurry after that, and all too soon, Seungkwan finishes, reluctantly letting go of the younger's leg.

Vernon cracks a smile at this. "You sure all of this wasn't just some getup to touch me?" he asks again, and Seungkwan wants to punch him. On the mouth. With his lips.

He shoves the thought aside.

"Look, Vern," Seungkwan says instead, swinging his legs up on the bed. "I _swear_ this isn't some getup to touch you. If I wanted that, I could have just asked."

This earns a small laugh from the younger boy, and Seungkwan continues. "Plus, you have practice again tomorrow, don't you?" He spares Vernon a tiny smile. "I can't have you limping and sore and all that — it's your turn to do the laundry tomorrow."

"And here I was thinking you were trying to do something nice for me." Vernon sighs dejectedly, but there's a grin tugging on his lips that says otherwise. 

"Seriously though," Seungkwan adds after a moment, voice softening. "Is practice really that hard?"

He sees the slight frown on Vernon's face, the younger boy carefully shifting his legs until he's sitting cross-legged, very obviously trying not to grimace at the pain he feels. "It _is_ pretty hard," he starts sheepishly. "But maybe it's just because the others have more experience than me. Soonyoung hyung and Chan are both dance majors, and apparently Jun and Minghao hyung have some sort of dancing background too. I don't think my arm is supposed to hurt this much."

Vernon slowly moves his left arm, as if to prove a point, and Seungkwan offers him a sympathetic smile. "That bad?" Seungkwan asks, and the other boy nods.

"My thighs are one thing, but this arm is completely sore. Like, it's stiff and it hurts all over. I can barely move it for some reason." Vernon sighs again, pulling his legs up to his chest, and Seungkwan wants to kiss all his troubles away. 

He must have been quiet for too long trying to think of the right words to say, because he sees the corner of Vernon's lip twitch upwards. 

"Come here," Vernon says gently, patting at the space beside him and Seungkwan feels himself smiling dumbly as he finds his way towards the other boy's side.

They nestle in each other's warmth just like that, like they have done many nights before, resting in the crooks and curves of each other's bodies. Seungkwan feels Vernon place a hand on his thigh, ever so lightly, but it sends a hot jolt through his spine. For a brief second, he wonders if this is what it's like being electrocuted, but by the time he brings his mind back to reality, Vernon's already two inches closer than he used to be.

"You're so cute," he whispers, eyes in a half-daze, and Seungkwan absolutely refuses to whimper at his words. "Can I kiss you?"

"I- What?"

Vernon doesn't say it again, a pretty blush coloring his cheeks as he averts his gaze. Seungkwan feels his lips quirk upwards.

He inches closer then, leaning forward until their noses are practically brushing. He smiles up at the other boy, trying not to flush at the way Vernon stares at his lips.

"I'm gonna kiss you now, okay?" Seungkwan tells the younger boy, his hands reaching for the nape of Vernon's neck. He vaguely sees Vernon nod, and he pulls the other boy in, their lips finding familiarity in each other.

Clumsily, they fall down on their bed, Vernon on top of him, but Seungkwan doesn't care. He kisses Vernon until he's sure his lips are nearly bruised, kisses him like they're just two tiny specks of stardust about to blow up their world.

The other boy breaks away first, much to Seungkwan's chagrin. But when Vernon smiles down on him, all tousled hair, glowing cheeks, and swollen lips, Seungkwan suddenly doesn't mind as much.

"You idiot," he whispers fondly, gazing up at the younger as his hands absentmindedly play with Vernon's hair. "I kinda love you a lot."

And when Vernon laughs, the sound of it trickling into his ears like sweet honey, Seungkwan knows he's screwed. Totally ruined.

Never before has Seungkwan wanted so fiercely to melt into someone like this, to kiss them on the neck and all the parts it'll make them blush until it blooms with his colors.

**Today; 14 March 2019**

Later that night, Seungkwan finds himself staying up till nearly 3 in the morning, long after the two other boys in his living room had fallen asleep.

Mingyu and Wonwoo had driven him back to campus and to their dorms, which was fine. He would have been a horrible person if he didn't appreciate it. But just when Seungkwan was about to close the door on their faces, the couple had exchanged a single glance, and just like that, they've both come to the agreement to stay over for the night. If Seungkwan was okay with it, of course.

Just in case, they said.

It irked him, but he let them in anyway.

It's stupid to be mad at them when they're so caring. He knows.

But when Mingyu and Wonwoo had both assured him they'll simply squeeze into the couch and Seungkwan shouldn't have to worry, trading sweet, small smiles with softness in their eyes, it irked him.

And when Mingyu and Wonwoo had talked in quiet tones when they assumed Seungkwan had already fallen asleep, giggling softly at what the other had said, it irked him.

And when Seungkwan had gotten out of bed a little past midnight, only to see the two older boys draped all over each other when Seungkwan can only dream of doing something like that with Vernon again, it irked him.

The walls suddenly seem too close.

He needs some air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe we still have a long way to go before the angst ™ finally settles in djdhkd
> 
> pls leave kudos + comments if you enjoyed !! next chapter will be up either this saturday or next tuesday :)
> 
> edit / author's note : hello everyone !! first of all i want to thank everyone who left such amazing support and all those sweet comments for this au, it really did make me unbelievably happy :(( second, this really pains me to say bcs i didn't want to disappoint all those reading this fic but i think i might go on a little break for a while :( i'm really really sorry for this, i swear i have majority of the plot and the storyline down but fsr i can't find the motivation to write or get my words to flow in the way i want to :( this really makes me upset because i want to update you guys as much as i can, but my writing feels wrong lately and so i'll be taking a short break so i can get my chapters as near to perfect as i can, because you deserve that much. i know this fic just started, and i still have a long way to go, but thank you for the support and kindness ❤️❤️ i hope you guys understand :')


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